


I wanna be loved

by trustme3imonlyhuman



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxious Evan "Buck" Buckley, Buck Centric, Character Study, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gun Violence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Therapy, WE SUPPORT BOYS CRYING AND SHOWING VULNERABILITY IN THIS HOUSE, and never let him go, buck has unhealthy coping skills, buck will go to therapy if it's the last thing i do, from like the whole team, oblivious boys in love, the fire fam loves him and just wants him to be okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24809932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trustme3imonlyhuman/pseuds/trustme3imonlyhuman
Summary: Buck is sinking further and further into his own thoughts and insecurities and it feels like someone has taken hold of his lungs and he hasn’t had a proper breath in months. Too much has been happening and every time it seems like the universe is giving him break it blindsides him.He can’t talk to the team because they’ve already forgiven him for so many things. He doesn’t need to add more to the list.But if he doesn’t figure this out, he’s scared he’ll sink so far down that there’s no way he could climb back out.That’s right guys, Buck goes to therapy and we love to see it.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 242





	1. smile, the worst is yet to come

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, this started off as just the drama of Eddie realizing what Buck did when he was buried alive. Now it has taken on a whole new priority, Buck needs to go to therapy. In this first chapter, and in bits and pieces later on, Buck is unreliable in his views of other characters. He thinks the worst and projects his own unhealthy thought process on them (especially Eddie). I promise they love him and just want to do everything they can but Buck is unpredictable right now and not even aware of how much he's the one pushing away.
> 
> Title and chapter title from Smile by Mikky Ekko which is a horribly misleading song and very sad. Worth a listen since it was my inspiration for this chapter.

Everything was getting to be too much. Buck felt like he hasn’t been able to catch his breathe in months. If it wasn’t a crushed leg it was a tsunami and if it wasn’t a tsunami it was utter isolation from his friends. It was like something has been squeezing his chest and whenever it begins to relax and Buck thinks things can only go up from here, it grips him harder. He doesn’t know what to do. 

His first reaction is to fight it with a smile. His dad taught him that, pretend to be happy and maybe it’ll actually stick. Even in the unsure weeks after the team seemed to forgive him for the lawsuit, he put his smile on blast and walked around on eggshells as to not remind anyone there had been a reason to be mad at him. It worked for a while. But the second he slipped up and saw an irritated frown or heard a frustrated sigh it took everything in him not to flinch in fear of the coming harsh words. Of hearing how exhausting he was or how thoughtless he was acting or how stupid something he said was. 

He can’t remember that last time he wasn’t scared of losing everyone with one wrong comment or decision. It was starting to overshadow any fear of losing someone because of their job.

Buck was naïve to think that meant he couldn’t still lose someone on a call.

\--

Hearing and feeling all that earth drop on Eddie’s head was one of the most horrifying moments hands down. Right up there with turning around to Christopher gone in a rush of water and watching Maddie bleeding out in his arms on to the snow. 

He can’t feel his nails breaking in the cold mud as he digs, barely registers Bobby’s arms pulling him away as he screams.

When the team regroups with the others on the call, Buck stands there with an uncanny feeling like the ground beneath him isn’t solid anymore. Like it will cave in and swallow him too if someone steps wrong. The grip on his lungs is unrelenting and he’s sure he hasn’t taken a breath since the lightning struck. 

Everyone else is reacting rationally and making a plan and talking about contingencies and Buck feels like maybe he actually died last year. That can be the only explanation to why this is happening. This is his own personal hell, watching his family get hurt over and over again and never being good enough to help them. _Never never never enough._

He knows snapping at the team for being realistic about Eddie’s chances for survival isn’t the best response he could have. But he can’t think properly, there’s no oxygen getting to his blood. _Can someone please let him breathe?_

They’re standing in the mud, listening as Bobby hands out the assignments. Buck feels like the ground is moving, a living thing they have no hope in combatting. He honestly doesn’t even remember the moments leading up to a familiar cracked voice in the crowd, it’s just instinctual that he turns to it, “Eddie?” 

He’s moving before he actually sees him, actually believes he’s not finally cracking up. Bobby is right on his heels and they reach for Eddie as he collapses. It’s dreamlike and Buck kind of wants to throw up at the whip lash of emotions he’s feeling but instead he does what he does best, he smiles. 

\--

Eddie is okay. Buck has to keep telling himself that. Even when Eddie is right in front of him. Buck rode in the back of the ambulance with Hen as Chimney drove. Hen is a mix of clinical evaluation of Eddie’s condition and bubbling commentary to express her relief. Buck sits on the edge of the bench, struggling to give Hen the room she needs to work but also desperately needing to feel Eddie alive with his own hands because he can’t process it with just seeing him. His hands are on the gurney by Eddie’s legs, just barely letting the tips of his fingers touch. It’s not enough, not what he needs, but he’ll take anything he can. Eddie is sat up a little and answering Hen’s questions and assuring her that the only thing he feels is exhausted and ready to go home.

Buck misses the quick glances being sent his way by both Eddie and Hen. He doesn’t know what he looks like to them, what he’s giving away. Thankfully no one comments except, “Buck, your hands are bleeding.” Buck looks up to Eddie raising a brow and then back down to where his hands are in fact bleeding onto the fabric of Eddie’s pants. 

He snatches them away quickly and puts on his best ‘no big deal’ face even though he wants to cry from the loss of contact. “You’ve literally pulled yourself out of the ground and you want to worry about my hands?” Buck shakes his head and laughs, but he doesn’t know why. It’s a reactionary extension of the reassuring smile he tries to direct towards them. 

“Actually, I had to swim.” Eddie takes his dodging for what it is but Buck can feel Hen’s eyes lingering on him and he’s too afraid of what they’ll be saying if he looks. Everyone saw his hysterical attempt at digging for Eddie, heard his screams. He can only hope they take it as a normal response of a friend and coworker and not for what it really was. The reaction of someone’s whole world being buried alive. 

\--

At the hospital they take Eddie away and Buck stands at the edge of the glass doors. He’s afraid of crossing the threshold that is normally the signal for the end of their role in an emergency and he doesn’t know why. Maybe because stepping into the hospital, going to the waiting area to be given an update, switching from a firefighter to a patient’s friend means he has to accept everything that has happened today. That the numbness will dissipate and he’ll be swept away by all of his emotions crashing into him at once.

“Buck, come on.” Chimney and Hen are just inside the ER, Chim has his hand extended out like he wants Buck to take it. Like he’s a child needing to be led around. _Like he’s their friend who is scared and they know he needs them._ “Bobby said we can stay with Eddie, our shift ended hours ago anyways.”

“I—I don’t—I should call Carla. Christopher is probably wondering where his dad is.” Buck sucks in a harsh breath at the idea of telling Christopher and it nearly chokes him. 

“Buck,” Hen is approaching him, god he’s overwhelmed with the need for her to hug him, but he stays rooted to his spot on the concrete. When she’s right in front of him she touches his shoulder and even that could make Buck cry if he lets himself. “Bobby is already doing that. Please come with us?” 

He can’t say anything, they’re both staring at him so intensely. So, he nods and lets himself be directed and when his feet hit linoleum, he thinks that his attempt at not crying was completely wasted because hot tears slide down his face. 

They are told where they can wait for news and Hen and Chimney guide Buck to a chair and sit on either side of him. Both of them lean into him and don’t say anything. He can’t decide if he would prefer if they talked because just like he feared, the emotions from the day are hitting him like a damn train. Buck knows, he knows that Eddie is okay and they aren’t sitting around waiting for a doctor to potentially tell them that their friend is dead. That they are just waiting for an okay on when they can see him and when he can go home. But Buck is drowning, _always drowning_ , in remembering how hours ago that was basically what they were doing and that the chances that Eddie was alive down there weren’t good but they were professionals and they had to keep it together. It’s like now his body wants to properly react even though his head knows Eddie is okay. He cries and he’s shaking and the presence of his team is the only thing making him feel anchored in reality.

Bobby strides in after about a half an hour. Christopher is going to stay with family for the night and Buck is relieved that he isn’t coming here to sit in this sterile lobby and possibly see his dad lying in a hospital bed. _He’s fine, you saw him alive Buck, you heard his voice, he’s fine._ Now if only telling himself that would allow him to breathe.

They must make quite a scene, four uniformed firefighters in various stages of distress and relief. Buck is still crying, he has no energy to control it, and the embarrassment worming its way into his head is adding a hot feeling of shame to his cheeks. No one else is breaking down. They’re just huddled around him like he’s the one hurt. Hen’s hand has ended up in his somehow, Chimney’s arm around the back of his chair, Bobby standing in front of them all like he’s shielding them from the rest of the world. 

“Family for Eddie Diaz?” A doctor has walked into the waiting room, their face giving away nothing. _He’s alive, god, why can you not remember that?_

Bobby steps forward and Chimney stands at his shoulder. Hen squeezes his hand once and Buck sniffles loudly.

“Mr. Diaz is in a stable condition. We were worried about damage to the lungs from being under water for an extended period of time and crush injuries from the collapse but his vitals are looking good and he only has a few lacerations that needed stitches.” Everyone but Buck lets out a collective breath. “It’s late for visitors but if one person would like to stay with him tonight, we want to check on him again tomorrow but otherwise we believe he can be released in the morning.”

“Thank you, doctor.” Bobby shakes the doctor’s hand and gets the information on where to find Eddie before he turns to the team. Buck has been staring into the middle distance in front of him for some time now, but he can feel that all eyes are on him. He turns to see the three of him eyeing him warily and for the first time in nearly an hour he speaks.

“What?” His voice is scratchy and quieter than he meant it to be.

“Would you like to stay with Eddie? If you can’t I’m sure he’d still like if you went to let him know.” Bobby slowly walks back towards Buck and Hen.

“Oh- I mean, are you sure? I just-” He doesn’t know what he just so he closes his mouth helplessly.

“Buck, I think you should stay with Eddie.” Hen whispers and takes his hand in both of hers. He looks at the point of contact and wants to cringe at the sight of his torn-up fingers in her perfect hands. 

“Is that okay?” He asks, he doesn’t know why this feels so monumental. Like he needs their permission and when it’s given that it changes something that’s so far been unspoken. 

“Of course, Buckaroo, he’ll be happy to see you.” Chimney assures him. Buck has to bite his tongue before he can ask Chimney if that’s the truth.

Hen stands up and tugs lightly on his hand to get him up too. He’s still feeling unsteady on his feet. The echo of the ground shaking as the drill and mud collapsed reverberating up his spine. But he kind of thinks that shaking is just him at this point.

Bobby tells him what room Eddie is in and they ask him to give Eddie their messages of relief before sending him off. He feels like he’s sleep walking as he goes down the hall, checking all the room numbers. When he gets to the right room, he gets stuck in another doorway.

The room’s lights are dimmed but still leave everything visible. Eddie has his eyes closed and cuts on his face and Buck is feeling light headed. The lights feel like they narrow in on his best friend lying in a hospital bed, one miracle past the brink of death. Buck can’t even imagine what forces it took to bring them here instead of still out in a field, counting down the minutes until it was a sure thing that survival was impossible. In a bizarre detached sort of way, Buck wants to ask Eddie. Ask him exactly what happened, what he did, how did he just materialize in the crowd of first responders? 

“I know that chair is probably uncomfortable, but it’s better than standing in the hallway all night.” Buck startles, he hadn’t even realized Eddie was awake. 

“I’ll make sure they add the chiropractor I’m gonna need after all night in that thing to your bill.” He says back, knowing the motions of conversation but not putting as much feeling into it as he normally would.

Eddie does that thing, where he’s smiling but its all in the eyes. Not the unabashed grin he gives Christopher, but the soft thing that makes Buck feel so good to have put on Eddie’s face. “You’re really going to stay?”

“Of course, man, I’ve got your back.” He knows how revealing he’s being when he smiles and looks at the floor before stepping into the room. But he kind of doesn’t care for the moment because for the first time in hours it feels like the fingers around his lungs give just a little bit. Enough to catch his breath.

Buck moves to the side of the bed that has the chair and scoots it as close as his legs let him. Once he’s settled, they both just look at each other with nothing to say. Eddie’s eyes are ringed in dark circles and it’s still the most beautiful face Buck has ever seen.

He wonders when that became his truth. Sure, Eddie has always noticeably been hot, from the very first day Buck laid eyes on him. When he was trying to create a rivalry instead of dealing with what is now so obvious to him. He can’t say it was love at first sight, he was still so caught in Abby’s orbit, but a part of his brain lit a fire and it burned slowly through all of the other parts of Buck so that when he caught up with how he was feeling, he thought it might consume him. 

Sometimes, when he’s being too optimistic for his own good, he thinks he can see that feeling reflected in Eddie. But he’s never gotten any tangible proof. Every time they start to get really close, Buck spending more days at the Diaz house than his own and how he can touch Eddie more than he’d normally allow himself, something happens and they drift apart again. One of them gets hurt or someone, normally Buck, makes a really dumb decision and puts a wedge between them. In those stark washes of pain, Buck realizes he’s been pushing that line of friendship too far and takes a step back. And Eddie, well he doesn’t know what Eddie is thinking during those times. But if Buck is taking a step back then Eddie takes a leap and he doesn’t know where they stand anymore. 

Now though, now is one of those moments that make Buck somehow unsure and reckless at the same time. He wants to test how far he can go, how far Eddie will let him go before the truth comes out and Buck ruins one of the best things he’s ever had in his life. 

Buck is leaning in closer to the bed, doesn’t know where he wants this to end. If he’s being honest, he wants to climb into the bed and hold Eddie and remind them both they’re alive. 

Eddie’s eyes tracks over his face and down to where Buck is getting closer, something so pointed yet unreadable in his expression. 

He’s got to do something; this time has to be different. The longing in his heart is choking him and he can barely stand it.

“Buck,” Eddie is so quiet amongst the buzzing white noise of the hospital. He’s reaching for Buck and this can’t be happening, but it is and he’s so hopeful and so scared and Jesus Christ— “Buck, what happened to your hands?”

Oh. Oh no, this is not something he wants to talk about. He does not want to explain to Eddie that in the seconds after the collapse that Buck’s instinctual reaction was to drop to his hands and knees and dig while he screamed. It was one thing to get some type of confirmation from Eddie that he could potentially be more than a friend. It’s a whole other thing to lay his fucking heart at Eddie’s feet and ask him to accept it. _No one has so far. He’s not even sure it could stand to still beat if Eddie said no._

He goes to snatch the hand away that had been resting on the edge of the bed but Eddie must be expecting it because he’s a second ahead of him and grabs Buck before he can hide the damage. Buck winces slightly, and Eddie loosens his grip but doesn’t let go. “I, it’s nothing, Eddie. Hazards of the job.” He tries to tug his hand away one last time before giving up and preparing himself for the real pain.

“Buck, this isn’t nothing. Your nails are torn up and bleeding. It’s like you’ve been-” Eddie’s head snaps up from inspecting Buck’s fingers to furrow his brows and look Buck in the eyes. _And there it is._

Buck doesn’t want to start crying again, he really doesn’t, but he’s never been the best at controlling that. He always wells up and betrays his emotions for everyone to see. It’s so fucking humiliating. When he cried as a kid his dad would frown and sigh and tell him he needed to be more like his sister, she was an emotional rock, never letting anything get to her. He wanted to take his dad’s advice so bad, learn to mask his vulnerability. For a while he thinks he got better, his dad didn’t look so disappointed in him all the time. But something about the Navy Seals wanting him to go a step even further and effectively killing his emotions made it so that when he left, it crumbled any barriers he had built up and his heart was on his sleeve for anyone to see and poke at. 

So, in typical Buck fashion, his vision blurs and he has to bite his lip, “I didn’t know what to do. Eddie, you were down there and I didn’t know what to do.” He’s getting overwhelmed again, the previously dim lights are glaringly bright and there’s an unbearable ringing in his ears. Buck feels like he’s on a hair trigger of fight or flight. For some reason his body doesn’t decide between either and he just presses his forehead to the edge of the bed and cries to the floor instead of his best friend. He’s making these stifled hiccups as he sobs and he wants someone to tell him to get over it. He shouldn’t be the one crying, he wasn’t the one who almost died tonight. 

Just when he doesn’t think he can take it anymore, that he really is going to run, there’s a gentle touch to the back of his head. He holds his breath for a moment, unable to register what’s going on. Then the touch moves and Buck can feel that Eddie is running a hand through his hair and speaking.

“Buck, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’m okay. We’re both here and we’re okay. Please, Buck, you gotta breathe.” Eddie’s voice is panicked even while his hand is soothing.

Buck really wants to listen to him. There’s a headache that’s been building all day that is getting worse from his sobs. He thinks the hyperventilating isn’t helping. 

“Can you look at me?” Eddie is sitting up further in the bed, nearly bending over Buck.

After a failed attempt at calming his breathing down, Buck looks up at Eddie. He’s still crying and trying so hard not to just scream with it. When he can stand direct eye contact with Eddie, he can see that the other man is also crying. Nothing like Buck’s bawling, but tears are definitely leaving tracks down his face. It’s absolutely surreal to see. Buck thinks he’s seen Eddie cry all of twice in the handful of years he’s known him. And the only time he is certain of it was when Shannon died.

Eddie is still holding his hand but once he has Buck’s attention, he brings his other one up to wipe at the tears on Buck’s face. “It’s okay.” He says again. 

They’re back to staring at each other with nothing to say. Buck isn’t sure he can speak right now and Eddie looks like he’s thinking really hard about something he can’t put into words. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, but it is tense as they both edge around what’s really going on. Like neither of them wants to be the first to say it aloud.

Buck doesn’t think he could ever be the first to say it aloud. He can’t be the one to put his cards on the table and be rejected again. He just can’t. He has to take any cues from Eddie at this point because a misunderstanding would destroy him. But Eddie continues not to say anything.

After another endless moment, Buck lets in one shuddering breath, “I should probably clean these up.” He makes a weak movement to pull his hand out of Eddie’s and this time Eddie lets go. Whatever just may have happened between them stays unspoken and Buck is strangely relieved. For how suffocating his love for Eddie is getting, having it acknowledged is too raw. No matter how much he imagines a world where Eddie loves him back, something is wrong and Buck’s not ready. 

He gets up from the chair and with one glance back at Eddie, he goes into the hallway and asks a nurse if he could get some disinfectant. They take one look at the hands he holds up and ushers him over and takes care of the worst of it.

By the time they’re done and Buck goes back to Eddie’s room, Eddie has his eyes closed again and this time they don’t open as Buck stands there. 

He lets out one measured breath and doesn’t know if this was a step forward or back. Either way he’ll follow Eddie’s lead and not do anything to threaten their current relationship again.

\--

It’s been a couple weeks since Eddie almost died. Buck is taking the lack of change in their relationship in stride. Eddie had only taken a couple of days before being back at work and while he wasn’t completely removing himself from Buck, he was more subdued than usual. They were falling into their old habit. When something happens that is too much for either of them, they pull away from each other. They are still partnering on calls and can have conversations and sit next to each other at meals. But Eddie doesn’t let him as close as before and Buck keeps their conversation superficial and doesn’t ask once if Eddie wants to hang out outside of work. 

It’s breaking his heart piece by piece.

In all of the turmoil Buck had at the hospital that night, one thing has been replaying in his mind. That despite that every moment he’s unsure of Eddie’s feelings towards him was agonizing, he doesn’t actually think he’s ready for it either. 

There’s a block. He can daydream all he wants of Eddie telling him he wants more, touching him in a way that’s not just for friends, and saying ‘I love you’ back. In the end, he has no idea where to go from there. How would they work? They’ve been friends for so long where do they start a new relationship at? Is it really a first date if they’ve already gone to dinners and movies and other outings together? Do they stay how they are now but Buck doesn’t feel the relenting pressure of wanting every second of every day? And most importantly, is Buck worth the effort Eddie will probably have to put in to dating him? Keeping up with Buck’s constant need of being seen and cared about and listened to.

Something was wrong and it wasn’t Eddie. 

\--

Buck doesn’t know what time it is when he gets home from taking Red to his apartment. But he’s suddenly wired and knows that no amount of laying in the dark and begging whatever is out there listening to just let him sleep. Instead he grabs a glass of water and then just sits at the table.

Red’s apartment was like a time capsule of life that only held one purpose. All of his pictures were from the job and held the memories of a man with so much regret. The picture of Red’s ex had him contemplating where that’ll mirror in his own life. Despite the ribbing, Buck’s not an idiot and he could clearly see the parallels. But that’s why it’s plaguing him so much now.

For a brief second, Buck thought of a picture of him and Abby he still has buried somewhere around here. Even though realistically he knows that when he’s Red’s age it’ll be pictures of Eddie and Christopher he talks about so mournfully. The one’s that got away. That maybe if Buck just tried harder sooner he could have had that family. 

He looks around his apartment now. There aren’t any pictures up. He’s never thought of it. It’s so easy now to store pictures on his phone to look at, the added effort of printing any seems moot. But it gives him something to channel his restless energy on. He pulls his phone out so he can scroll through the pictures and pick out one’s he likes. 

Buck didn’t realize he had a couple messages. Something about seeing Eddie’s name on his screen so late has his heart racing. When he opens them up there’s a string of pictures and commentary by Eddie on Christopher’s slumber party. The last message was sent hours ago and says, _I wish you were here._

So it’s safe to say that Buck’s reaction of immediately slamming his phone down on the table and putting his cool hands to his heated face was pretty justified. 

This is a complete 180 in behavior from Eddie that he wasn’t prepared for. They’ve been circling around each other for weeks and Buck had taken Eddie’s invitation after work as polite yet flippant. Was Eddie actually hoping that Buck would say yes and they could co-supervise a major milestone in Christopher’s life? That couldn’t have been it.

Yet the last message was not connected to the previous photo of Chris and a couple of other kids half asleep around the living room with an attached, _I might actually get some sleep if they all pass out now._ The last message was also sent an hour after that picture and it creates this image of Eddie sitting in bed, thinking about Buck being there next to him.

What the actual fuck was he supposed to do with this? 

In a desperate moment built on a lingering tipsiness from the bar and the late hour, Buck replies.

_Me too. Next time._

There, that wasn’t too presumptuous, right? Realistically if there was another kid sleep over and Eddie extended and invitation Buck could say yes. Yah, it’s a totally reasonable response.

\--

Oh my god, no that was not _Jesus Christ, Buckley what were you thinking?_

Buck is awake the next morning and rereading the two barely sentences he sent with so much agony he thinks his head might explode right there. Sure, the actual words were pretty harmless. But he sent them at nearly two in the morning. He sounded like a damn booty call. 

He’s also well aware that it is late morning and that Eddie works so he has probably been up for hours and read this and did not respond. Buck could just die on the spot. Why was he like this?

Buck needed a distraction and quick. It was his day off and if he sat around, he would overthink himself into a heart attack or something. So instead he grabs his laptop and types in a name. 

\--

Hours later and somehow, he is feeling so so so much worse. 

It had actually started off to be a really good adventure out of the house. He had done his research and Red looked so hopeful when Buck told him who he found.

Why was Buck so good at being so fucking reckless?

Red was now upset with him, it’s nearly evening and Eddie has left him on read all day, and he felt like his body was too big for him to move properly. Like he lost all of his coordination and was just Godzilla-ing about and destroying everyone around him.

He needs to go to bed early tonight, he had an early shift. Maybe if he tried now, by the time his brain showed him mercy and fell asleep he could actually be rested for tomorrow.

\--

His brain cuts it real close to an acceptable time to go to sleep and the next morning he is just feeling worse.

Maddie drops by on her way to work and he talks to her about Red but it doesn’t alleviate the anxiety. He really should listen to Maddie’s advice, because she’s not dumb either and made the connection Buck had about his and Red’s lives. Instead he lies about who he actually thinks about regretting not having made work and makes Maddie feel bad about something that wasn’t her fault. _Why is he like this?_

He’s still ruined the one good thing Red had, Eddie has not contacted him in anyway in two days, and a tension headache is quick to make itself known. 

Buck barely drags himself to work, his mind is buzzing with thoughts about the future. All of Red’s pictures were pretty old. Nothing that showed him or his old fire house past the last decade. When Buck walks into work he looks up to where he can just make out his team up in the loft. He wonders when new pictures of them will stop being in his camera roll. When will he be having the last conversation with one of them and not even realize it?

When he makes it up the stairs, Chimney and Hen are quick to swoop down on him and pull him into their debate. It makes him feel marginally better. It’s quickly ruined by the lack of acknowledgement from Eddie that there has been a weird energy between them. He still adds his comments like he always does and laugh at Chimney and Hen’s antics, but he doesn’t pay a lot of attention to Buck and definitely stays out of arms reach.

Because Buck apparently enjoys suffering, he voices some of his concerns to the team. If he could ever figure out how to shut up, this would have been the time.

He asks, nearly demands, if they will all stay together into the future. They respond in various assurances, even Eddie, but Buck gets a feeling they’re just pandering to him.

Buck gets a call near the end of the shift to come to the hospital. He’s surprised that Red even thought of him as someone to contact. He wants to say he’s relieved from this small token of trust, but the circumstances are grim. Red is dying and Buck doesn’t know what to do so he makes a grand gesture. Between hot air balloons and Christopher-friendly skateboards, Buck is pretty confident everyone benefits from a grand gesture.

\--

Red cries so Buck cries, it’s an automatic response. Although he’s pretty confident he would have cried anyways.

They drive the truck all the way to Red’s house and when they get there, Buck helps him with the long step down and walks with him to the front door.

They both hesitate at the door. Buck got the run down of Red’s illness, this is likely the last time they’ll see each other and Buck’s brain is perfectly fine with saving the processing of that for later.

“Can I give you some advice kid?” Red asks, front door open but still standing on the porch.

“Is it to not live my life with regrets?” Buck asks, kind of being a brat because that’s how he reacts in the midst of uncertainty.

“No kid, you know that already, and,” Red glances quickly to the truck and back, “and I don’t think that will be your issue.” Buck is genuinely surprised and equally doubtful but he doesn’t interrupt. “What I want to tell you kid is this. Go to therapy. Go how ever much you need for how ever long you need to. I didn’t think it would help me when I was young but I gave it a go after being diagnosed.” Buck doesn’t know why this is making his heart race, making him feel afraid. Red looks at him for a long moment until he seems satisfied that Buck was truly listening to him and turns to step into his house. “You can’t change what has already happened. But you can change how you view and react to things in the future. Good luck, Buck.” And with no further pleasantries he closes the door.

\--

Buck gets the notification in the morning. He knew Red was dying but Buck feels so blindsided by how quick it was. He spends the better part of the morning crying, sucks it up for work, and then comes home to cry in front of Maddie.

He’s been thinking about Red’s last request of him. It was a daunting shadow in his peripherals. Like now that it’s been suggested out loud, he can’t ignore it anymore. But the idea honestly terrifies him. Last time he tried to talk to someone it just made it worse.

Plus, talking to his sister is kind of a therapy, right? Like she goes to therapy and has to be picking up some ideas she can pass to Buck? He’s more honest with her that night than he has been with anyone in a while. Maddie’s words make him feel a little better. 

This can be enough for him, right?

\--

Eddie has been warming back up to him. The text message is never brought up and by this point they’ve sent each other a couple of texts about work and things so it’s not glaring at him like a beacon of all his fuck ups. 

They’ve even had a couple of movie nights with Christopher and drank beers after Chris went to bed. Buck still stares at Eddie a little too long or sits too close but Eddie isn’t physically removing himself from Buck as much as he had been these last two months. 

Maybe it’s the fact that he’s being lulled into some form of complacency that seeing the one face he can’t deal with hits him like a fucking train. 

\--

What a wild way to run into Abby again. He’s thought about it a couple times. What would he do if he saw her out and about? Would he say hello or just hope she doesn’t see him and flee? Since he was so unsure, the universe made the choice for him and put them both in a position of having to interact. It’s not until she yells at him that she has a fiancé that things suddenly become very real to him.

He ignores Eddie’s heavy looks as they work. For everything he feels about Eddie, this is the one thing that is none of his goddamn business. He’s never met her or known Buck when she was actually around and the last thing Buck needs is Eddie getting a glimpse into what a disaster dating Buck seems to be for everyone. 

So, he makes the classic Buck Hail Mary and rappels down the side of an unstable train car, risking his life to save the life of someone who’s position he once thought he might be in one day. Who, of course, seems like a really good guy with kids and a life and _a beautiful fiancé worried sick about him down below._

All in all, everything actually goes pretty well life saving wise. The only downside is after weeks of treading lightly and accepting the distance, Eddie looks upset with him again and he doesn’t have the energy to make sure it doesn’t cause a rewind on the progress they’ve made. 

Buck accepts the opening Abby gives him for an opportunity at closure and the next day he sets a time and place to end this chapter of his life.

\--

Once Abby is gone, Buck stays on the bench for a while. He goes long minutes overthinking and analyzing everything they just said to each, everything that happened in their relationship before she left. Then he just stops and can’t think anything coherent at all and maybe he’s dying. This feels a lot like dying. It’s like he’s trapped inside his own body, he can’t think or move or breathe. If this goes on any longer, if he’s not dead yet he’s going to have a stroke or something because his body feels wrong and his head hurts.

He doesn’t know how long he sits there. The only thing at the end he’s figured out is that he definitely does not want to talk to his sister about this but if he doesn’t figure this out soon he really might just stop breathing and never be able to start again.


	2. help, i'm alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it wasn't one near death experience it was another...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh lordy guys, this chapter. I wrote it out last night and it was around 2500 words and I almost posted it. But I thought I should probably give my mind a break and revisit it this morning. I ended up doubling the word count. 
> 
> I want to thank everyone for reading and hopefully continuing to read. I'll admit I don't have a solid plan yet for how long this will be but the topic of therapy is very important to me and I want to do it justice. 
> 
> I changed up a few tags and I want to add a **trigger warning** for this chapter: guns and panic attacks

Buck should probably talk to Bobby. That’s a good place to start. But something has been holding him back the last couple of days. He thinks it’s admitting it to someone he knows. Which is stupid because everyone else is doing it at their own paces and are pretty open about it. Even Eddie can casually remark about his sessions with Frank at times. And that’s like, a _major_ step in the development of Eddie Diaz.

Before Red so bluntly suggested it, Buck had no issues with the idea of therapy. For other people. He even encouraged Maddie when she was reluctant to start up again. Listened to Chimney and Hen when they included him while having their post-therapy therapy session where they mostly cracked jokes. And he unconditionally clung onto every little bit of Eddie’s run down of Chris’s time in therapy so he could be in the loop of what was going on. If he could do anything to help. 

For some reason when the idea of therapy is directed at him it makes him feel ashamed and frankly, scared out of his mind. What if someone uses what he says to deem him unfit for his job? 

There’s a huge difference between having the occasional psych eval and going to actual therapy. Every couple of months there’s a mandatory session either because of an incident on a call or just to check in on them. Buck’s not bothered as much by those because everyone has to do it and normally they have a specific topic they want to discuss. 

Maybe it’s fitting that they get a call the next day that takes a turn right into a psych eval worthy incident before he can stress about this anymore. 

\--

The only time Buck has had a gun pointed at him was while standing over a highway. Lola was definitely having a mental crisis and Buck’s heart stopped when she first aimed it at him but it didn’t feel nearly as threatening as he thought it would and he kind of got her side in the end.

This time he feels threatened. He feels straight up scared for his life. 

The team is responding to a call of a small apartment fire. So far it has really only affected the apartment of origin and its neighbors but they still have to evacuate everyone and clear the building. Eddie and Buck are on the third floor knocking on doors. It’s been pretty easy so far; they’re taking opposite doors in the hallway and moving down them quickly. 

Buck knocks on one of the last doors, calls out to anyone who might be home that there’s a fire and they need to evacuate. He waits for a second, it’s the early evening so most people are home but there’s been a couple empty apartments. He calls out for a second time and instead of silence there’s a muffled noise and a thump. Buck waits all of two seconds before yelling that he’s coming in and breaking the lock.

He stumbles a little bit on entry but otherwise does it with minimal damage. There’s a very small entryway with a kitchen to the right and the beginning of a living room to the left. He glances into the kitchen, sees no one, and proceeds to the living room. The place is stark on possessions but messy with cans and mismatched furniture. He walks across the living room to an ajar door he assumed will be a room. 

“LAFD, there’s a fire in the building! If anyone is here you need to evacuate!” He’s answered with more shuffling and a hissing voice. Buck moves for the door and pushes it open.

He’s not really sure what he’s looking at but if he’s watched enough TV, he knows it’s nothing good for the fire a flight down or himself.

In the split second he has to take in the room he’s got to assume this setup has to do with drugs. He’s seen a couple makeshift labs on calls but normally they’re not part of his job. In the next second, he takes in two people in the room obviously trying to cover up what was going on.

There’s a man closer to him and woman going through a dresser. The man spins around towards Buck with an angry look, “What the fuck? Get the fuck out of my apartment!” He’s screaming and it wouldn’t take a genius to see that he partakes in whatever is being made here. Honestly, they both must, abnormally thin and twitchy. Drug addicts Buck is a little more familiar with.

Buck raises an arm up in submission while his other hand goes for the button on his radio. He prepares to radio the team before directing his words to the man, “Sir, I’m with the LAFD. There is a fire on the second story that hasn’t been contained and it is dangerous for you to be here. We are evacuating the building.”

Now, Buck isn’t trained like a police officer, he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to react, and certainly doesn’t have anything as a defense. Just as he takes a step forward, the man pulls out a gun and points it somewhere towards Buck’s chest.

“I said, get the fuck out of my apartment!” He kind of waves the thing and Buck’s eyes go wide and instead of reaching outwards, his arm goes up in the air. The other is still on the button of his radio and he presses down, hopefully someone will catch onto what’s going on and get someone here to help him.

“Sir, please, I’m just trying to help. We are all standing by some very flammable materials and our lives are in danger.” He can’t tell how much this guy is processing the situation. His focus seems to be fully on his anger towards Buck and unlike the last time, Buck knows there’s nothing he can actually say to talk this man down. 

Before anyone can say anything else, there’s the stomp of the heavy boots his team wears coming into the living room. “Buck! This floor is cleared, what’s going on?” Buck is too trained on the barrel of the gun to look behind him at Eddie. The man with the gun gets a panicked look and swings the gun towards Eddie’s voice. Buck knows he can’t see him through the doorway but he still sidesteps to block the guns path. 

Unlike Buck, Eddie is absolutely trained for what to do when a gun is pointing at you. He doesn’t have the same uniform on or an opposing gun but he takes in Buck’s raised arm and posture and without even fully seeing the situation can make the assumption immediately. 

Buck can’t see how Eddie reacts but he does hear him click on his own radio and lowly speak into it, “Captain Nash, we have a situation on the third floor, apartment 17. Be advised, there is someone with a weapon, likely a firearm, in the back bedroom.” He pauses and Buck really wishes he could see Eddie’s face, “Cap, they have it pointed at Buck.”

“Copy that.” Bobby’s voice comes out after a brief crackle of static. “Diaz, if you are not in the line of fire, I am requesting you immediately leave the apartment.”

Buck already knows what Eddie will say before he hears it, “No can do, Captain.” If Buck wasn’t absolutely terrified a sudden movement could mean a bullet somewhere in his body, he’d snap at Eddie for being an idiot. Bobby is unquestionably going to be giving Eddie the full lecture on reckless behavior and following orders. That lecture is normally reserved for Buck but sometimes Eddie lands himself in Bobby’s office. Buck hysterically sees the team split between Bobby’s good kids, Chimney and Hen, and his problem children, Buck and Eddie. He actually could laugh at the image of Buck and Eddie put in timeout for their behavior. Man, his stress is manifesting in strange ways right now.

“Dex?” Buck looks over the man’s shoulder, he had forgotten about the woman who had been digging through drawers behind them. She isn’t looking too hot, a sheen of sweat on her face and hair knotted in her bun. She gets up from the crouched position that she had previously been in and reaches for the man’s shoulder. Buck wants to tell her it’s dangerous and she should stay out of the way but honestly, he’s having a hard time reacting in any way to his situation. 

It’s very rare, Buck has a propensity for adrenaline fueled situations and can make quick decisions on the spot, but sometimes the fear outweighs the thrill from adrenaline and he completely freezes up. This would be one of those times and Buck doesn’t think he could say or make any kind of move if he tried. He feels so helpless, like he’s a little kid frozen under the covers after a nightmare leaks into his dark room. 

The woman is tugging on the man’s shoulder and he doesn’t initially react to her but the swaying of the gun is making Buck sick to his stomach. “Come one Dex, leave him alone.” 

“Shut up!” The man barks and Buck flinches at the loudness of it. “He’s fucking seen everything!” 

“Dex, there’s cops outside, what’s the plan here?” Her hand slides from his shoulder to his upper arm slowly as to not spook him.

“I-I’m gonna—he’s seen everything!” He yells again and oh yep, Buck definitely feels tears forming. He squeezes his eyes shut in hopes of quelling them from spilling over. _Leave it to Buck to cry instead of manning the hell up!_ That’s what his dad would be saying right now if he was here. 

There’s a muffled _oof_ and Buck squints his eyes open enough to see the guy wheel around towards the woman and push her away from him. The guy spins back around with an angry snarl and the gun held high. 

A few things happen at the same time.

“LAPD!”

A shot rings out.

A body hits Buck and he’s falling sideways.

Or maybe he’s knocked over and then there’s the explosive sound of a gun. Or—

Buck is dazed. He’s looking up at the ceiling and stars are actually bouncing in front of his eyes. If he focuses in closer, he can see Eddie’s face above him, eyes wide and panicked and his mouth is moving. Buck can start to feel the weight of Eddie’s body above him and the ringing he’s realized was deafening him dissipates. 

“Buck?! Are you?” Eddie rears up to his knees and pulls frantically at Buck’s turn out gear. Buck can’t even concentrate enough to help or move or respond to Eddie’s half of a question. Once Eddie has visual on the t-shirt beneath all the layers and doesn’t see any blood or gaping bullet wounds he deflates and hangs his head. He must have taken off his helmet, or maybe it got knocked off in the tackle like Buck’s had, because Buck is kind of just staring at the hair on top of Eddie’s head and thinking about how he misses the longer cut he had last year. Which by all means should not be at the forefront of his thoughts but it seems like the most relevant thing right now. 

To the side, a handful of cops are in the living room and entering the bedroom. There’s shouting but no more gun shots and Buck is feeling pretty removed from the situation as a whole now that there isn’t a gun pointed at him. Eddie is still above him but he’s looking at Buck again, his eyes are flicking between Buck’s and he’s frowning. “Buck, are you okay?”

Buck kind of takes stock. Pros, he’s pretty sure he managed to not get shot thanks to Eddie’s decision to bowl him over at the right moment. Cons, he can’t really feel his fingers right now and he’s tired and he thinks maybe he’s still crying a little. Like not actively, just feels a wetness at the corners of his eyes and down past his temples. All of these pieces of information boil down to a rather eloquent, “Yah?” That comes out more like a question. Like seriously how is he expected to know at this point? Yah, sure, he guesses in the scheme of everything he’s okay.

“Okay,” Eddie lets out this breath that’s kind of a laugh. “Yah, okay, you’re okay.” He moves to stand up and offers a hand to Buck, who takes it but doesn’t really do anything to help either of them after that so Eddie ends up having to mostly pick him up and puts an arm around his shoulder to basically drag him away. 

Everything goes a little fuzzy after that. He must be walking on his own for the most part because they make it down the stairs and then they’re outside and it’s mostly dark out which feels wrong because the sun was out when they went into the building and Buck feels like he spent a whole lifetime in that apartment but also can’t seem to comprehend he was ever in there in the first place. 

The team is waiting for them outside. Bobby directs a couple people away and then takes up Buck’s other side as they beeline for the ambulance Hen and Chimney are jogging ahead to.

“What happened?” Buck doesn’t know if Bobby is asking him or Eddie but he hopes they take his silence as a queue for Eddie to answer.

“Well,” Eddie begins and god, Eddie really gets Buck. Like he really really gets Buck. Buck is so lucky to have him here to understand him. 

His team gets him up into the ambulance and has him take a seat on the gurney. Eddie and Bobby stay outside so Eddie can continue debriefing. Hen and Chimney get to work checking him out. They check his pulse and flash a light in his eyes, the whole dance. 

“Buck, can you tell me if anything hurts?” Hen asks, coaxing him in to focus on her. 

Chimney leans in to whisper, “I think he’s in shock.” Which Hen nods to but is still waiting for Buck to reply.

Buck doesn’t really feel much of anything right now. “No, I’m good.” He slowly turns his head and observes the profile of Eddie’s face. He’s so serious relaying the situation to Bobby. Eddie’s serious face is one of Buck’s favorite expressions because it’s fun to get him to smile instead or roll his eyes or get him to look at Buck fondly in any way. “Eddie saved me.”

He must have said it louder than he meant to because Eddie turns to him. Buck doesn’t see everyone else looking between them because he only has eyes for one person. One person who is looking back so intensely and somehow has a thousand emotions playing across his features without so much as twitching his lips. But Buck can see them, in this moment he can see them.

“Yah buddy, he did.” Chimney claps Buck’s shoulders and unintentionally breaks the moment and Buck turns to see Hen smiling to herself and Chimney looking amused but suddenly Buck is feeling very cold.

And then he throws up.

\--

After he’s done dry heaving, he goes through the whole mess of an adrenaline crash which mostly consists of feeling coming back to his body so forcefully that for a minute he thinks maybe he did actually get shot and this was some pain riddled dream he was having. His thoughts also choose to slam back into his head and _oh my god_ someone had him at gun point and then proceeded to fire that gun at him and the only thing that saved him is the inhuman like reflexes of his best friend. 

They don’t make him go to the hospital since he wasn’t injured, but they do have him ride to the station in the back of the ambulance with Hen wrapping a shock blanket around him and holding a bag for if the nausea hits him again. He’d feel bad for the mess he made at their feet if he wasn’t full blown panicking.

His anxiety was through the roof and he felt dizzy and his head was a mess of jumbled thoughts and he was on the brink of something. Buck’s heart felt like it was starting and stopping at random intervals and would make this weird gurgling sensation and he actually had to put his fingers to his neck to convince himself it was even beating. Hen took notice of the movement and pressed fingers to his other wrist to feel the rabbit quick pulse.

“Buck, you’re having a panic attack.” Her hands flutter around him for a brief moment of hesitation before the switch from being his friend to being his paramedic kicks in. She sits back to give him a little space and puts her hands out in between them, palms up. Buck catches her eyes and then he can’t look away. His heart feels like it might explode and he’s motion sick and feels so very much like the world is closing in on him but Hen’s eyes are familiar and her face is kind and safe. “Okay, Buck, you’ve gone through a very traumatic experience and your body is reacting.” She’s doing this thing where she’s taking long deep breaths through her nose and expelling the same measured breath through her mouth. “It’s okay to be feeling scared right now, do you think you can do something for me though and breathe with me?”

Buck is still pressing his fingers to the pulse in his neck and for a brief moment he thinks he was right and his heart has stopped beating but a little part of his brain tells him its because he’s been pressing too hard and can’t get a proper read. He needs to stop. 

Hen’s words are coming to him slowly and that same little part of his brain is urging him to listen to what she’s saying. This is her job and if anyone was going to make Buck stop feeling like he’s going to die, it would be her.

So, he puts all of his trust in her and does what she’s asking and focuses on her exaggerated breathing to try to match it. 

“There you go Buck, that’s good. Just like that.” She smiles a little at him and he wants to do it back but he doesn’t think he can smile and breathe at the same time right now. 

They stay like that for what’s probably several minutes. At some point Buck has taken her hands that she had been offering and is grasping onto both of them so tightly, channeling all of his panic into their hold.

He doesn’t realize that the ambulance has stopped and when the doors open that’s how the team finds them. Buck and Hen breathing in sync as Buck shakes through the end of his panic attack.

“Everyone okay?” Bobby asks and Buck knows he’s got to be the one to answer.

He starts off with a couple jerky nods and then a shaky, “Almost.” Which is probably the best he’s going to feel for a while.

Hen is patient with him while he summons up the courage to let go of her. The whole time she keeps eye contact and breathes evenly with him. He’s not sure how long they’ve been sitting in the vehicle but when he turns to the doors, he sees Bobby and Chimney talking quietly a few feet back while Eddie is sitting on the edge of the tail gate staring at his hands.

Buck turns back to Hen and she gives him a searching look, “Okay?” 

He nods some more and lets go of her hands and confirms, “okay.” She pats his knee and stands as best she can in the small space so she can exit. Eddie hops up at the movement and sidesteps so she can leave. 

After that it’s just Buck sitting on the gurney staring at Eddie while Eddie stands there with his hands in his pockets staring back.

It’s one of those moments again where no one is saying anything but the possibilities of what could happen feel infinite. Either of them could say something life changing but neither of them knows where to start. 

Buck can’t even begin to think about all of the things he has wanted to say to Eddie for years but he can say the one thing relevant to right now.

“Thank you.” His voice is pretty hoarse even though all his screaming the last hour had been in his head.

Eddie looks down to his shoes and frowns, “For what?”

Buck can’t help but laugh and rubs his hands down his face, “Dude, you probably saved my life. There’s no way I would have moved fast enough on my own if you hadn’t tackled me.” Then he makes a show of rubbing his shoulder, “Like a damn linebacker.”

Eddie has the audacity to look embarrassed for saving Buck’s life and isn’t that just hilarious. Buck thinks he still might not be having the most appropriate responses to the situation.

“Oh, well, y’know, it was nothing.” He glances up at Buck and then away just as quickly. Buck is starting to get the hint that their definitions of _nothing_ are actually something. Something so important and vital to that constantly unspoken thing between them that neither of them can admit.

“No, it was everything.” Eddie looks shocked by Buck’s reply and his face reddens a little in a way Buck guarantees his own face mirrors. Why would Buck say that? His brain to mouth filter was apparently fried during Buck’s melt down. Maybe he should just confess his undying love right there on the spot. Make everyone as equally uncomfortable as him. It would get Eddie to stop shuffling his feet and looking like he’s having difficulty following that pronouncement up because he’d probably just reject Buck and never speak to him again.

Buck must be losing it because he starts to laugh, “I mean, I’d rather not add getting shot to my list of experiences. I think earthquakes and bombings and tsunamis has been extreme enough, even for me.” He’s still laughing and does it sound as crazy to everyone else as it does to him?

It must because, while Eddie’s face is still tinged pink, his expression has turned to concerned and he’s approaching the back of the ambulance, “Bobby said he’s having the other teams take the next couple of calls. Maybe you need to rest for a bit?”

No, what he _needs_ is for the universe to give him a break without threatening to take everything away from him for showing weakness. What he _needs_ is for everyone to believe him when he says he can handle it. What he _needs_ is—is, fuck. Why is everyone looking at him like he’s going to crumble to pieces? Past Eddie’s worried face, Bobby has taken notice in the shift of mood and is edging closer, not even hiding that he’s listening in. If Buck can’t stop and act normal, Bobby is going to tell him to go home or take a few days off and after everything today Buck thinks that might be what actually kills him.

“Yah, you’re probably right. I’m going to try to get some shut eye.” Buck stands up so fast the world spins and he just barely stops the top of his head from hitting the ceiling of the ambulance. His legs are feeling weak and it takes a lot of effort to get them moving. Eddie reaches out like he’ll catch Buck if he falls but Buck ignores him and steps out. “See you later.”

No one stops him as he heads for the locker room to drop off his gear and then the bunkers so he can stare at the ceiling until his skin doesn’t feel too tight for his body and the erratic thumping of his heart evens out. 

\--

Buck is sitting in a small office he’s familiar with the next day. It’s the office of the trauma counselor the LAFD has them go to. He knows he has to have this mandatory session after the events of yesterday but he’s still feeling pretty drained and doesn’t really want to talk about it right now.

Dr. Brewer steps into the office with a polite hello to Buck and walks around to sit behind the desk. “So, firefighter Buckley, there was an incident on a call yesterday. In your own words are you willing to tell me what happened?”

The thing he’s always appreciated is the matter of fact way Dr. Brewer talks to them because it doesn’t leave him feeling like he’s being psychoanalyzed. Like they don’t want him to admit to the mess in his head if he doesn’t want to. Buck can just give them a play by play assessment of the events and go on with his life. He knows that Dr. Brewer must be getting a hint at his mental state in some way through all of this because that’s their job but they never push Buck to say things he doesn’t want to.

“Once we were cleared to leave the scene, our team reported back to the station.” Buck finishes his account. He had explained how he had entered the apartment, encountered the illegal makeshift drug lab, how the man pulled his gun and was angry, and then Eddie coming into the scene and inevitably pushing Buck away before the man could fire. Really, he just repeats almost verbatim his written incident report he had turned in earlier this morning. Which was probably his mistake.

Dr. Brewer has been following along with short nods and kept glancing at the papers in front of them. Buck realizes that they probably have a copy of his written report right there on the desk and took notice of the repeated explanation. Like Buck was reading off of an incredibly monotonous script instead of retelling a traumatic experience.

While he’s wishing he had changed up some of the vocabulary of his account, Dr. Brewer flips through the papers until they find the one they’re looking for.

“It says here that there was another incident on the ambulance ride back. Would you like to tell me a little bit about that?” They raise an eyebrow, knowing they’ve caught Buck avoiding the underlying issue and even though they phrase it as a question, Buck has to tell them.

He can’t believe someone actually reported his panic attack. It was none of anyone else’s business and if he didn’t want to bring it up, they should have respected that. Buck’s getting so angry sitting in this little office it’s making his leg bounce just to redirect the surge of emotion. His freak out is on record now. Forever tainting his file for anyone to use next time he fucks up. He can’t believe—he—his chest is starting to hurt. 

“Mr. Buckley, I want you to know that there is nothing to be ashamed about here. You had a very negative and life-threatening event yesterday and you reacted in a way that is completely acceptable.” Had Buck voiced his anger allowed? He doesn’t think so but Dr. Brewer is reading him like a damn book right now. “I won’t force you to divulge anything you don’t want to but, in my experience, on both sides of this desk, talking helps.”

Buck wants to scream, when has voicing his problems ever helped? Every time he’s tried to get anyone to understand how he was feeling they threw it back in his face.  
_  
I didn’t raise my son to cry at every minor inconvenience. Suck it up!_

_I don’t have time for your whining, Evan._

_You’re being selfish, Buck._

_You’re exhausting…_

“With all due respect, doctor, but if someone has already informed you on what happened I don’t think it’s necessary for me to reiterate.” Buck keeps his tone even. He hates feeling angry, it’s his least favorite emotion to experience. It makes his skin itch and gives him a headache and he only ever hurts himself in the end. Because either he’s going to say something wrong and burn a bridge or make himself sick with the tension. So, he’s trying his best to calm down while Dr. Brewer watches him like they know everything he’s thinking but wants him to be the one to say it.

“While it’s true that I have been given an outsider’s recounting of your panic attack,” Buck flinches, “that’s all it is. An observation from someone uninvolved and an incomplete picture of what really happened. This is your story, Evan, and you are the only one that can dictate what’s really going on.”

There is a very heavy implication that Dr. Brewer is talking about more than just yesterday. Buck eyes the papers in his files and wonders what other things people have said about him to warrant the sudden interest in his emotional state that Dr. Brewer has never hinted at before. 

“If you would be more comfortable talking to someone outside of the department, I understand and we can arrange that.” Dr. Brewer is giving him an out and Buck wants to take it so badly and high tail it out of here right now. But the room shifts a little and Buck is feeling unsteady.

He can’t quite explain it, it’s like the whole world changes for a second. The low hum in his ears from years of being around loud equipment takes on a new pitch. Not louder or quieter, just different. The colors around him alter in an indiscernible way. Buck feels like he doesn’t recognize where he is even though nothing has actually changed in the last few seconds. 

An immense decision is looming over him and he is haunted by the sensation that it will irreversibly change everything. Something needs to give or he’s going to keep drowning.

“Yes. Please.” The words feel ripped out of him. “I would like to talk to someone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I had originally wanted it to be solely Buck's choice to go to actual therapy but as I was writing, this felt more natural. Also if anyone has thoughts on mental health please talk to me! I only have my personal experiences and the classes I'm taking to work with.
> 
> Also me being tired apparently means I tagged this as buddie/reader instead of just buddie and wow, oops. Yah that’s not gonna happen in this.


	3. i'll do anything to be happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, it's the simple things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been agonizing over this chapter for almost two days. I really needed to write something happy for my own mental wellbeing and had gotten the first part done pretty quick but then I was like, is this actually in character? Then I almost tabled it because it was such a major tone change. But now after two days I’ve decided I don’t care because I took a look at it and was like, yes this sparks joy so I’m keeping it. I want to show what level their relationship is at for later chapters.
> 
> Anyways, just imagine Eddie waking up that morning in a really good mood because he knew he was going to make Buck’s day but also he has the capacity to be a little shit and decides to mess with him a bit. But like in a fun way? I don’t know bro, I like a cheeky Eddie. Like in scenes where he’s not working and is with Buck and Christopher, he looks like he’s actually fun and I want a bit of that in here. We all saw the photobooth montage, right? Those boys are silly together. 
> 
> Also, Buck can be a brat but we all knew that lol

Eddie is being unusually cheery, and dare they say, it could even be described as _delightful._

It’s alarming and Buck doesn’t know what to do with how it’s making him feel. 

Since the moment Eddie walked through the garage doors, he’s kept up some form of a smile and looking at Buck like he knows something Buck doesn’t. Buck has seen every mood imaginable from Eddie over the years and various forms of happy is one of them. But not for such an extended amount of time and in such a high dose and with no obvious reason. It’s making Buck’s stomach flutter and he feels flushed every time Eddie turns to him with a blinding grin and such an enthusiastic look. 

Not that Eddie isn’t allowed to be happy, that’s actually all Buck ever wants for Eddie. But something about the sudden good mood and constant smiling and playful banter with the team has Buck suspicious.

So of course, the only plan of action is for Buck to corner Eddie in the middle of their shift and demand an explanation.

“What has you so peppy today? I don’t think you’ve stopped smiling all day,” Buck narrows his eyes. “I thought maybe you were on something but I remember the LSD, and you cried like a baby for 45 minutes straight.” Normally when anyone brings up the LSD incident, Eddie gets upset about lack of consent and how lives could have been at risk. Now though, he just laughs at Buck and pats his shoulder.

“Not drugs, Buckaroo. Just a good day.” Eddie gives him a jaunty eyebrow raise and walks away still smiling.

“That’s not an answer!” Buck yells at him even though Eddie hasn’t gotten that far away yet. Eddie just throws his head back and laughs. “I’m going to figure it out!” He yells again.

When Eddie really is out of ear shot, Buck mutters, “Buckaroo?” to himself because Eddie never calls him that and this is just getting to be way too weird. 

“If you’re not careful, your face’ll freeze like that.” Chimney is walking past him towards the locker room with a way too amused little swagger to his step. Eddie’s mood had been infectious for the whole team, everyone seemed a little more upbeat all day. Buck can feel how hard he’s scowling and tries to school his features but he’s too annoyed. So, he groans in frustration and stomps in the direction Eddie went because if Buck has one true gift, it’s his ability to be a menace to everyone around him.

He will find out what’s going on.

\--

“Tell me,” he says for the tenth time in the last hour. Eddie just continues to smirk and has the actual nerve to _wink_ at him and Buck is equal parts fuming and swooning.

They’re at the end of their shift and getting back into civilian clothes in the locker room. Chimney has already expressed that Buck’s “harassment” of Eddie all day was “not a good look” and rolled his eyes while complaining. 

“Maddie would never behave like this,” he mumbles as he leaves. 

Buck chooses not to mention that Maddie is the one he gets it from in favor of standing entirely too close to Eddie and staring at him expectantly. That’s been his tactic for the last couple hours, never leaving Eddie’s side and staring so pointedly that Eddie can’t ignore him. 

Eddie looks way too pleased that Buck is practically vibrating with his need to know what’s going on. He’s finding it absurdly entertaining that Buck is so worked up. He doesn’t even look bothered at the fact that Buck is practically plastering himself to him as a form of torture.

But if everyone is being honest, this is more of a torture for Buck.

“If you would just tell me, I’ll leave you alone.” He tries to reason. 

Eddie turns to face him and they are only a couple inches apart and Buck is steadfastly keeping his eyes on Eddie’s face so he doesn’t look down at how close they are. Although Eddie’s face is also distracting and the soft little grin he has going is just, ugh, _why_? 

Normally by this point in Buck bugging him about something, he’d be giving Buck a stubborn frown and refusing to acknowledge his pestering. That’s what Buck is used to and knows how to work with. This good-humored teasing he’s been doing all day is throwing Buck for a loop. If he’s not careful, it’s going to start giving him ideas. Emboldening ideas that will only make the heartbreak Buck is inevitably headed for so much worse. 

“Do you really want to know?” Eddie asks even though his expression tells Buck he’s well aware of the answer and is probably going to continue being elusive. 

“I-” Buck is getting too worked up and he knows that his annoyed reactions are why Eddie keeps going on with this. He’s way too smug about getting Buck all riled up. Which is rude. 

“How about this? If you can act like an adult for,” Eddie hums and makes a big show of looking at his watch, “15 minutes while I go talk to Bobby, I’ll tell you.” 

Buck feels like a kid who was told if he eats their veggies, they’ll get ice cream. And god, he _really_ wants that ice cream.

“This better be the most amazing thing someone has told anyone ever, Eddie. I swear, I will never leave you alone again. It will be endless harassment for the rest of your life.” Buck is pointing a finger in the small space they have between them and putting on his best ‘try me’ face. 

Eddie rolls his eyes and huffs a laugh, “if you say so.” Then he grabs his bag from his locker and steps back with his own finger up, “15 minutes. I’ll meet you outside.” Spinning on his heel, he leaves Buck to his impatient speculating. 

\--

Buck is pacing behind Eddie’s truck while waiting for the man to come out. He has no idea what to expect now that Eddie is actually going to tell him. He’s gone through a list of things all day that have gotten more extreme than the next. At this point Eddie could tell him almost anything and it’s probably already run through Buck’s head during their shift. 

Eddie is strolling towards him now and is squinting and shielding his eyes from the sun while still maintaining a lopsided grin, “Hi Buck.” He walks right past Buck, who has stopped pacing and is bouncing on his heels. Eddie tosses his bag into the back and reaches for the door handle. _Unbelievable._

“Oh no you don’t,” Buck runs over to Eddie’s side and blocks the door from opening. “We made a deal, so spill.”

Eddie crosses his arms over his chest and looks the most thrilled he has all day. Buck has changed his mind, he actually _hates_ Eddie Diaz and hopes all his hair falls out. 

After considering Buck for a long moment, Eddie’s enjoyment starts to become a little nervous looking. Like after all the tight-lipped teasing he’s subjected Buck to all day, he’s actually worried about telling Buck. “Christopher’s birthday is coming up,” Eddie starts.

“Okay? Everyone already knows that.” He’d like to say it was because Eddie has mentioned it or that even Chris has, but the reality is that Buck has been bringing it up for weeks. He’s been taking extra care to listen to things Christopher mentions wanting or points to when they’ve gone out and steadily has grown a small pile of presents in his closet. Eddie has already told him to stop spoiling the kid, but Buck can’t help himself. It’s almost like a competition at this point, trying to win Christopher’s affection in every way. 

For everything that is confusing and wonderful and so so hard about quietly loving Eddie, the flip side is that no one questions how much love Buck expresses for Christopher. The team teases him for being wrapped around the kid’s finger, which is the absolute truth and Buck will never be embarrassed by that. 

Eddie has started to fidget, tugging at the cuffs on his flannel and not looking directly at Buck. “Yah, so, his birthday is coming up and I wanted to make it special for him. There was a lot going on last year and he deserves it y’know?” 

Of course Buck knows, Chris’s birthday was right after the tsunami. Buck hadn’t met that lawyer yet but everyone was feeling displaced and frayed in those couple of weeks. Even Christopher wasn’t up for anything crazy on his birthday. 

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“Not your fault,” Eddie is quick to reply. Buck keeps hearing that but it never feels like it. 

They’re both quiet for a few seconds while they work through the lingering uneasiness the topic of last year brings up for both of them. “Anyways,” Eddie sighs, “I had been trying to figure out what to do and a couple months ago I was running ideas past Carla. I wasn’t sure at first, but a lot of kids in Chris’s class have been going this year, must be the right age, and Carla knew about this group that helps plan and provide support for this kind of thing.” Eddie is getting that soft smile back and giving Buck these quick looks.

“What sort of thing?” Buck is starting to feel a nervous pressure building in his chest. He sort of has an idea of what Eddie is going to say next but it still genuinely surprises him.

“Disney Land,” Eddie says it like he can’t quite believe it. But he’s looking at Buck with so much anticipation like he needs Buck to validate the choice he’s made.

“That’s awesome!” This was not even close to one of Buck’s guesses. “Oh man, you’re going to have to take so many pictures to show me. Or wait! Just video the whole thing! Actually, do you think you could just FaceTime me for the whole day? Is that too much?” Buck is rambling in his excitement for Christopher. 

“Actually, I don’t think that will be an issue because I checked the shift schedule with Bobby and…” Eddie is giving him this cheeky grin and Buck has no idea what’s going on because long expectant pauses are not a social cue he gets.

“And?” He has this overwhelming feeling building up in his chest even though he’s mostly confused.

“And, it seems that Bobby is cool if I’m not the only one with the day off.” Eddie seems to be waiting for some kind of reaction but Buck is just smiling uncertainly at him and shakes his head slightly. Eddie laughs and reaches for his upper arm, “you Buck, you have the day off.” Oh. _Oh._ Buck is catching up. “I’m taking Christopher the day before his birthday and I think he would be really excited if you came with us,” Eddie finishes.

For once, Buck is okay that he feels like crying because he feels like he’s little kid being told they’re going to Disney Land. Which is kind of exactly what’s happening. But like, he’s an adult and the reality of it is that he’s being asked to go to Disney Land with the Diaz Family and Eddie is saying it in a way that’s telling Buck it was a no brainer for Eddie to have included him. 

“Well, I think he’ll just be excited to go in the first place, I don’t think he’s going to care about me.” He says, rubbing the back of his neck, torn between how his heart is fluttering from both adoration of this man and this something else he can’t name. 

“Buck-” 

“And isn’t the price for even just one person really expensive, I can’t-” Buck is on the verge of rambling again.

“Buck.” Eddie is still smiling and shakes his head like he can’t believe what Buck is saying and his eyes are literally sparkling in the evening sun, oh wow, how does he do that? “Christopher will probably be way more excited with you there. He loves you Buck.” 

Oh no, don’t say that to him, don’t give Buck anymore reason to offer himself to them and put his heart in their hands. 

“And I already bought the tickets so it’ll actually be a waste of money if you don’t come,” Eddie tips his head and shrugs.

“What?!” Buck yelps. 

“Look, if you really want to make it up, you can buy snacks and gifts. We all know that’s what’s really going to break the bank.” Eddie is still holding Buck’s arm and gives it a casual squeeze and then a pat which shouldn’t make Buck’s heart skip a beat. “C’mon, if you think you can keep this a secret, you should come over for dinner.”

Buck nods dumbly and moves out of the way then watches Eddie hop in his truck. He doesn’t really know what to do with all of these mixed emotions rolling around in his chest but it’ll probably be something dumb like telling Eddie he loves him.

He’s so screwed.

\--

If Buck was only allowed to interact with one other person for the rest of his life, it would be Christopher Diaz. Sorry Maddie. Sorry Eddie. He loves those guys but Christopher has a hold on his heart like no one else. 

Buck had followed Eddie home and from the second they got in the house, Buck has been listening to Chris’s full rendition of his day at school and afternoon with Carla. Buck couldn’t begin to explain how immersed he would get every time Chris got really excited about something he learned or did with his friends and wanted to tell Buck about it. He’d give Buck all these little facts that Buck didn’t know or had forgotten by this point in his life. 

While Buck had been pulled away to the living room, Eddie went for the kitchen where Carla was. Buck couldn’t hear their conversation but he could see them talking while Carla gathered up her stuff to leave. Eddie had dropped the enigmatic air he had all day while picking on Buck, but he still looked so content and happy. Now that Buck wasn’t obsessed with figuring out Eddie’s abnormal behavior, he could really take in how incredible having him like this was. In a very private part of his mind, Buck could pretend this was something he could have. Christopher excited to see Buck and telling him every little detail of his day while Eddie looked relaxed and unburdened by life just because he had good news to tell the people he loved. Buck knows Eddie’s good mood is because he has a surprise for Christopher, but he can’t help but feel like maybe today was a little about Eddie feeling excited to invite Buck along. 

If only the world was that easy. 

Carla laughs at something and Eddie looks embarrassed by whatever she had said and groans like he’s being incredibly put out. Without context it is a really endearing moment and Buck is smiling to himself while he sits on the ground at the coffee table with Christopher. Carla starts to walk out of the kitchen and Eddie turns to follow her and catches Buck staring. Buck doesn’t know how long Eddie freezes mid-step while Buck can’t bring himself to look away, but it feels like forever.

If anyone was paying her any attention, they’d see Carla notice them and look heavenward for some patience. Instead, Buck looks away quickly, uncomfortable at getting caught spying and pretends it was accidental and turns to where Christopher is drawing across from him. 

He only looks up as Carla gives her goodbyes and he stands to hug her. She holds on a couple extra seconds and Buck closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before stepping back. Eddie had chosen to stay in the dining room with his phone pulled out but after Carla leaves, he leans in the entryway to the living room.

“We don’t really have anything to make dinner right now, so how does pizza sound?” Eddie asks, probably already having the app pulled up.

Buck and Chris turn to each other with grins and then back to Eddie, “Yes!” they say together. 

From there, Eddie orders and then sits on the couch and Buck resumes sitting on the floor next to Eddie’s legs so he can reach for a piece of paper and some markers. 

He can’t draw worth a damn but he can at least make stick figures and word bubbles. He tries to hide his work from Eddie, who can probably see over his shoulder, until he’s done.

“Psst, Chris,” Buck whispers dramatically to Christopher who has been working on a beautiful portraiture of dinosaurs on surfboards. When Chris looks up, Buck discreetly holds up his paper for him to see and once Chris starts giggling so does he.

“What’s so funny?” Eddie leans forward to get a look and his leg is now pressed along Buck’s arm and this just makes him giggle harder because there’s no other way for him to express the panic the sudden contact makes him feel.

“Oh nothing, just a candid on how dinner could have gone tonight,” Buck says nonchalantly and bites his lip. Chris reaches out with a marker to add a detail.

“Let me see,” Eddie makes a grab for the drawing but Buck holds it out at arm’s length on his opposite side and shakes his head. That doesn’t deter Eddie, who half stands so he can lean over Buck’s head. His hand goes to Buck’s shoulder to balance and Buck’s minds kind of stutters, giving Eddie the chance to snag the drawing from his hand.

Buck regains composure and makes an _oops_ face to Christopher, causing the kid to erupt into another fit of giggles. He looks over his shoulder to see Eddie examining the picture with a frown, but it looks like it’s forced because the corner of his mouth keeps ticking up. 

“Buck, stop teaching Chris to bully me.” He says finally with an admonishing look.

Buck raises both hands in surrender, “I would never.” Eddie narrows his eyes questionably, knowing Buck better than that. “I would, however, teach him the facts about his dad.” 

The door bell rings and Eddie stands up while glowering at Buck, “I’m going to eat all of your pepperoni.”

Buck laughs and pretends not to notice that Eddie starts to smile before he’s fully turned away, pocketing Buck’s lovely drawing of stick-figure-Eddie next to a stove with a smoking pot on top saying, “Not again!”, with two overstated angry eyebrows added by Christopher.

Eddie comes back with the box of pizza and Buck clears away some of the art stuff to make room. He also sits up onto the couch and when Eddie sits down, their shoulders are brushing.

They watch a movie while they’re eating and as it’s finishing up, Chris starts yawning and dozing off. Eddie helps him up and steers him towards the hallway. Buck watches them, a heavy feeling in his chest like earlier. He thinks about getting up to follow, he’s helped Chris with getting ready for bed before, but something about the way his emotions have been overpowering him lately has him hesitating and inevitably staying there in the living room.

By the time Eddie comes back, Buck has put on his jacket and is lacing up his shoes.

“Do you want stay for a beer?” Eddie asks.

Buck looks up and gives him an apologetic look, “sorry, can’t. I have to get up early.” 

Eddie raises a brow, “what for?”

Buck falters, he doesn’t know how to tell Eddie that after his panic attack and subsequent psych eval, Dr. Brewer helped him schedule his first therapy session with a psychologist outside of the department. He was going tomorrow morning before work to start the new patient process. He doesn’t know what to expect and to be perfectly honest he feels an immense need to skip out. 

“Uh, Maddie wants to have coffee before work,” he lies and quickly stands up and shoves his hands in his pockets before walking for the door, “okay, bye!” 

“Uh, bye?” Eddie says incredulously and laughs disbelievingly as Buck barely refrains from letting the door slam in his haste. 

When Buck gets to his Jeep, he sits in the silence and presses his forehead to the steering wheel. When that doesn’t bring him peace he groans as loud as he can and starts the vehicle. 

There’s no way he’s getting proper sleep tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I going to make those boys stare at each other wistfully without ever saying anything every chapter? Probably. 
> 
> Will I spare them the torture of pining over each other for most of the fic? Unlikely. 
> 
> Do I feel bad about it? Absolutely not.


	4. tell me louder until i understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck's love language is words of affirmation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am not a licensed therapist in any way. Anything I write is purely based on personal experience, light research, and a few classes I’ve taken. The therapist’s dialogue is either roughly what has been said to me in therapy or what I can imagine would be my therapist’s responses to Buck’s struggles. Everyone is unique in their experiences and how they process them, so it’s all speculation and mostly filled with what I think Buck needs to hear. 
> 
> I want to thank everyone who is reading this or bookmarked/subscribed to it until I’m done. I still don’t have a clear timeline on how many chapters it will be. Therapy doesn’t work overnight and often times takes months to years for patients to get to a break through. So in the meantime, every chapter will focus on Buck’s journey with therapy, his family, and the calls they respond to.

Buck is sitting on a squeaky chair in the waiting room. He knows it’s squeaky because he’s been bouncing his leg and readjusting his position since he sat down fifteen minutes ago. There isn’t anyone else waiting with him but the receptionist keeps throwing him looks and seems too polite to say anything. Maybe they’re used to anxious behaviors, seeing as what types of patients they interact with.

Dr. Brewer had asked him for his preferences and Buck didn’t really know what to say. He couldn’t explain that the last time he tried therapy, he ended up sleeping with her in the middle of their session, so maybe having a woman wasn’t the best idea. But he also knows in that regard, he has done a lot of growing up. With Abby, he had a brief moment of being part of a committed relationship and how sweet it was when you unconditionally love someone and they felt the same way. Well, at least for a minute he thinks Abby actually shared that feeling with him. 

He doesn’t have Abby anymore. Taylor Kelly had been everything Abby wasn’t so he had thought maybe that could be what makes a difference. But she had a vision for herself and other priorities, and dating Buck was not one of them. 

Ali had come out of left field, another stunning and successful woman that also established her independence but was open to a serious relationship. He really thought they could work out, but it was his priorities that made her leave that time. He couldn’t fault her for not wanting the stress of worrying about him in her life.

So, it was only natural that the next person that stole his heart was headstrong and smart and beautiful, with the added bonus of understanding his job. If Buck was being completely honest with himself, the reason he let Ali go so easily was because he knew his affections were already split between her and his best friend. It wouldn’t have been fair to her for Buck to fight for his relationship with Ali when he would always have half his mind on Eddie. 

Either way, since Ali, he hasn’t even tried to be interested in anyone else. It’s something he has come to terms with and even if sometimes the idea of not connecting with someone like that ever again leaves him hallow and breathless. But, if he can manage to not fuck it up maybe Eddie will let him stay in his and Christopher’s life, he can live with that. Take the small bits of love the people in his life occasionally give him and build something else. Something to fill that space inside him he thought would belong to someone else. And he always, _always_ gives it back tenfold so that maybe they won’t decide to take it away.

All of this is why, when Dr. Brewer told him that he was getting scheduled with Dr. Valerie Lewis, he didn’t find it necessary to object. Dr. Brewer had explained that Dr. Lewis had been their colleague in college and that she would be a really good fit for him. He had no reason not to believe in Dr. Brewer’s recommendation so he gave the go ahead.

Now he’s nearly shaking the whole building with his display of nerves. They had him fill out some paperwork, a mix of logistical information, like his identification and insurance, and a personal survey on all kinds of issues. It was easy to say no to using substances to cope with how he was feeling, but he felt weird answering all of the questions about his current mental state. The form asked if he was feeling anxious, scared, having concentration issues, eating and sleeping properly, and finally if he wanted to hurt himself. He knew for a fact that he had no desire to physically harm himself, but the other questions he stared at for a long time. He wanted to say no, that everything was fine, but something about lying on paper felt daunting. Like the second someone took a look they would accuse him of dishonesty. After a lot of deliberation, he circled the ‘sometimes’ option on anything related to anxiety.

The last page was what really tripped him up, it asked if he had experienced trauma or loss and gave him options of specific kinds along with big box for him to write in. In the end, he didn’t check any of the options and just wrote in small, neat handwriting, “I’m a firefighter” in the box. 

Buck had given the forms back to the receptionist and was waiting to be called back. It was exactly 8 am, the time of his appointment, when he heard his name.

“Evan Buckley?” He turns to see a woman and the first thing he notices is that she’s pregnant. It’s hard to tell, but he would guess she was in her second trimester. The next thing he notices his how kind her face is and when he stands up, she gives him a polite smile that he answers with a shy one. “Hello, Evan, I’ll have you follow me.”

She leads him down a hallway and into a tidy office with blue walls and light-colored furniture. She directs him to sit on the couch across from a large, cushioned chair that she takes a seat in. When they’re both settled, she says again, “Hi, Evan. My name is Dr. Lewis, but if you are comfortable with it, you can also call me Val.”

“Uh, hi, Dr. Lewis,” he tries out but decides to switch, “Val. I actually go by Buck.” 

“Buck?” She jots down the preference, “It’s nice to meet you. Is this your first time in therapy?”

He wavers but thinks that it’s just easier to say, “yah.”

Val smiles again, “I’m glad you’re taking this step. Since it’s your first session, what we’re going to spend most of the next hour doing is having you get a feel if I’m the right fit for you. Feel free to ask me any questions you may have or if there’s any topics you do or don’t want to talk about.”

Buck laughs shakily and rearranges his legs, opting to cross an ankle over his knee. “I guess I just don’t really know where to start. What am I supposed to say?”

“You can say whatever you like, express however you want. Some patients find it easier to just tell me about their day or week. Some have past experiences they want to go over. In your case, on the referral Dr. Brewer said you have some work-related occurrences?” She flips through what she has attached to her clipboard.

Buck blanches at the mention of last week. He’s been effectively blocking both the events in the apartment and later in the ambulance from his mind. He knows that it’s essentially what has him sitting here in this office but the idea of talking about it has his breath coming in short.

Maybe Val picks up on that because she says, “it’s not something we have to talk about today if you don’t want. Everything is going to be at your pace, this is your therapy. I’m here to listen and help you on whatever you want to talk about.” 

Her words give Buck a little bit of relief. Not total, because he knows the choice to ignore that day is not indefinite.

“Yah, I don’t—I’m not sure when I can talk about that,” is all he can manage.

Val nods and when she says she understands him, he believes her. “How about for today you just tell me about the last thing that made you happy and if anymore questions pop up for you, you can ask anytime.”

Buck considers for a minute, looking down at his hands as he picks at his nails. He knows what he wants to talk about, what the most recent thing that made him happy was and how they are now involved in most things that make him happy. Buck just doesn’t know where he should start. After some deliberation he figures if he wants to tell Val about yesterday, she needs a little background information. 

“Well, I work with this guy.”

\--

The hour goes by quickly once he gets rolling on describing his team, and then Maddie, and then Christopher. He barely gets to Eddie’s news yesterday because he’s so caught up and gets off topic while making sure Val knows about everyone. 

She waits until he’s finished the bit about Eddie teasing him yesterday to let him know their hour is almost up. He’s kind of surprised they got through the hour without him noticing. Talking about everyone else is really easy for him and he has a lot to say.

“So, do I go back to the front desk or,” he asks while standing up and trying to stretch out the kinks in his neck.

“Yes, if you’re feeling good about today, we’ll have you check out at the desk and schedule another appointment. I would recommend you have sessions every week for the time being. I also suggest not scheduling them before you need to work in case a particular session affects your mood.” She meets him at the door to let him out and he shakes her hand when it’s offered.

“Thank you, Val. I think this will work out.” He gives her a smile that she returns and steps into the hallway.

He’s still feeling uneasy, worried that someone will find out about this before he’s ready and that acknowledging everything that’s been going on will actually just make it worse. But Val is kind and responsive without interrupting him or judging him and if anything, he’s willing to come back every week just to tell her about his day without feeling the guilt of burdening the team or Maddie.

\--

When he hops out of his Jeep and starts to walk for the doors, his steps falter at the sight of Chimney kissing Maddie good bye. _Shit._ He didn’t bother covering his excuse he made to Eddie for his plans this morning with Maddie. She must have come here with Chimney which probably made it obvious to Eddie that Buck lied last night. If Eddie asked her, she wouldn’t know what he was talking about.

Maybe Eddie assumed she fit both their fake coffee date with Buck and a visit to the station into her morning and didn’t say anything to her. Maybe he could be spared just this one time.

Her expression when she sees him though makes him pretty sure he’s not that fortunate. She has a look he’s very familiar with, it’s full big sister mode. A small frown and disappointed yet concerned eyes. 

Maddie finishes saying bye to Chimney, who noticed she was distracted and looks over his shoulder to Buck. He gives Buck a sympathetic look, which doesn’t bode well, before turning back to Maddie and kissing her forehead and saying something. After that, he goes back into the station and Maddie is heading Buck’s way.

She stops in front of him and opens her mouth but thinks better of it. Buck doesn’t know what to say so he stays quiet and lets her think. She is searching his face and then gives him an up and down look like she’s expecting an injury or an explanation for whatever she’s thinking.

Finally, after she does or doesn’t find what she’s looking for she says, “Buck, I know something has been going on the last couple weeks with you. Honestly, I could say it’s been the whole last year.” She reaches for his hand and Buck lets her take it, “I just want you to know, whenever you’re ready, I’m here for you.” Maddie squeezes his hand and the big sister look is mostly just pure concern now. 

Even though his session stayed fairly superficial for the first day, he’s still feeling a little unsettled and now his sister’s love and understanding she’s channeling his way feels suffocating. He would really like to run away right now until the knot in his stomach untangles and he feels like he can breathe again.

“Maddie,” he starts, going through every possibility of what he could say. 

He could just tell her; out of everyone she would be the one he wants to tell first. About the growing feeling of being crushed by his own thoughts and memories, how his anxiety has been going from being uneasy at times to full blown attacks, or how he has this horrible pit in his stomach because he doesn’t feel like he can trust the people he loves with any of this. That’s probably the worst part of it all. 

“I’m fine,” he says. _He lies._

Maddie sighs, “Okay, Buck,” and gives him a little reassuring smile that neither of them believes and her eyes are glassy but unlike Buck, she’s better at holding it back.

She seems reluctant to let go of his hand and he’s not going to be the first to pull away, ever. So, they’re both stuck there for a moment, lost in their own thoughts while standing in a parking lot. 

They’re still in the middle of LA so there’s never a moment of silence, but right now, on the edge of a potential opportunity for honesty, the world feels unbearably quiet. He looks down at their hands, wonders when touching people went from a habit to a craving, and decides it isn’t enough. He pulls her in so quick she makes a little _oof_ but Maddie is swift to respond.

“I’m so sorry, Evan. If I could take it all away I would. I just want you to be okay.” Maddie presses her face into his shoulder and hugs him as hard as she can. He’d do the same but he thinks he’d hurt her with how tight he wants to hold on, so he redirects the urge into clenching his fists behind her back. 

Maddie pulls away but stays close, bringing a hand up to his cheek and trying to smile, “I already asked everyone else, but Chimney and I invited everyone for dinner tomorrow night. Can you come?” she asks, like he’d ever say no to an invitation from people he loves.

“Yah, definitely, I’ll be there.”

\--

Buck walks up the stairs to the loft as slowly as he can, bracing for something he’s not even sure will be a big deal. He’s not late exactly, but by the team’s standards, showing up five minutes before a shift is unusual.

Everyone is exactly where he would expect them to be, Bobby behind the kitchen counter, Chimney and Hen talking on the couch, and Eddie is sitting at one of the tables with a cup of coffee and his phone. 

“Buck!” Bobby greets him, “coffee?” He points to the half full pot. 

“Uh, yah,” Buck walks across the space and while he’s making a point not to look over at Eddie, he’s a little disappointed when out of the corner of his eye he doesn’t see Eddie look up at him either. 

He pulls out a mug from the cupboard and tries to relax, but it feels like everyone is watching him. But Hen and Chimney keep minding themselves and Eddie is, whatever he’s doing since Buck doesn’t know what was revealed before he walked in. Is he annoyed? Angry? Just having a particularly grumpy-face kind of day?

The only one that actually is looking at him is Bobby, who casually comes over to top off his own cup. Buck is going to thank him and then agonize about whether he should sit by Eddie, but Bobby makes the choice for them.

“I don’t know what is going on with you two,” he glances to Eddie, who’s looking at his phone but doesn’t seem to actually be doing anything, “but do you guys think you can patch it up before a call?” Bobby asks but it’s less of a suggestion and more of an insistence.

“There’s nothing wrong,” Buck is quick to say. He knows that the standoffish vibe coming from Eddie and probably nervousness from him is giving it away.

“Well, okay then, can you see if you could put him in a better mood?” Normally Buck would jump at that opportunity, he loves cheering people up. But he’s always been unsure what to do when he’s the one to make people upset. His sunny commentary on whatever he can think of tends to only aggravate people who are mad at him. Make them snap at him and say something he’ll dwell on for a while.

“I’ll see what I can do,” is all he says, saluting with his mug and starting the hesitant journey to Eddie.

Buck sits down from across the table and sips at his coffee and looks at Eddie, and then the wall, and then Eddie again, and then out the window, and he’s drinking his coffee too fast, he’s going to make himself sick. The whole time, Eddie stares at his phone screen with the concentration of someone trying to look busy. 

This is ridiculous. 

“Morning,” Buck tries out.

“Morning,” Eddie grunts. Strike one.

“Nice weather,” Buck comments.

“Yep.” Strike two.

“Hope today is mellow,” Buck offers.

“Mmm,” _and_ there’s strike three.

“So, are we just going to sit here and pretend you don’t have something to say to me?” That was definitely not how he meant to approach this, but his nerves are making him jaded, too blunt for trying to smooth things over. 

Eddie sets his phone down and finally looks up, “I don’t have anything to say.” His expression speaks otherwise, jaw clenched and eyes hard.

“Obviously,” Buck says, exasperated. At least Eddie has the decency to look taken aback by the tone. 

Eddie taps his fingers on the table a few times and sits up straighter, “look, you didn’t want to tell me what you were doing this morning, it’s not a big deal. I’m not entitled to your whole life, Buck, just because I—because we’re friends,” he crosses his arms and resolutely looks past Buck. 

“Then why do you look so mad?” Buck is having a hard time believing that Eddie doesn’t want to hash this out. He doesn’t know why he’s pushing Eddie when Buck really doesn’t actually want to tell him the truth. 

Eddie sighs in frustration, “I’m not mad.” He runs a hand through his hair a little vehemently, “but I can’t help being worried when my best friend lies to me.” 

“I’m sorry,” Buck is going from feeling nervous to just feeling like a dick.

“I just, I don’t get why you thought you had to lie. You could have just told me it was none of my business,” Eddie isn’t looking as upset anymore, mostly just tired. He leans back and is finally looking Buck in the eyes.

Buck doesn’t know what to say other than a quiet, “I would never tell you that.”

Eddie lets out a really long breath and puts his head in his hands, “I know, I know you wouldn’t Buck, but I just—I can see that something has been going on with you lately and I don’t know what, because you just keep saying your fine and acting like everything is normal.”

Has Buck really been that obvious? Can everyone just see that he’s falling apart piece by piece? They must think he’s so pitiful. There goes Buck again, making his problems everyone else’s. He needs to do better. 

He makes sure to catch Eddie’s eye again and articulates, “maybe it’s because I really am fine. Seriously, you guys don’t have to worry.”

Eddie looks like he’s going to argue with him and a small part of Buck sort of wishes he would push, make Buck confess about everything that’s going on. Instead Eddie sighs, “I believe you.” 

Now who’s the one lying?

\--

For the rest of the day, Buck tries really hard to act like everything is the same, even if it’s just for a sense of professionalism for their job. He makes sure to talk a lot but not really say anything. Plays off of whatever banter Hen or Chimney starts up and on calls he stays focused and follows every direction.

They’re on a typical 24-hour shift, and while it’s always unlikely that any of them will get more than a couple hours of sleep at a time, after the last call most of the team bunks down around midnight.

Buck had gotten up early and has been feeling emotionally exhausted all day, but he can only lay in the dark for a few minutes before he’s leaving to try to find something to occupy the night. Sleeping has been becoming harder to do in the last few weeks. His mind is running too fast and too loud for him to get relaxed enough. 

Once he’s upstairs, he keeps most of the lights off except for one in the kitchen. He isn’t particularly into the idea of watching television, but he could use the noise to distract him. He spends some time trying to get comfortable and turns the channel to reruns of a show he thinks was popular in his teens. 

He still doesn’t feel like he could sleep, but his brain is at least being lulled into a calmness he doesn’t experience very often anymore. He thinks maybe an episode or two passes when there is a sudden weight near his feet. Buck doesn’t physically startle, but his heart jumps and his eyes flick towards the displacement. He adjusts to the dark and he sees Bobby sitting at the opposite end, facing the glow from the light of the screen.

“Can’t sleep,” is all the explanation Bobby gives and Buck thinks it’s okay that he doesn’t respond. They both just watch the sitcom in silence for how ever long. 

Buck is actually starting to nod off, an indescribable comfort came over him at the presence of Bobby. Like allowing himself to relax in the dark of their station with someone who won’t let anyone hurt him is giving him just enough relief to close his eyes. 

He thinks he may be mostly asleep when Bobby’s quiet voice reaches him, “you once said I was one of the most important people in your life.” Buck hums, because of course Bobby is. “I hope you know, I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you either. You’re my family, Buck, I’ll always be here for you.”

Buck is asleep before he can think to reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buck didn't cry this chapter! 
> 
> Next chapter is going to the Madney Dinner Party! Where they have some shocking news, Athena is going to make her grand appearance, and I'm kind of thinking a lot of pining as Eddie pretends he doesn't want to just always hold Buck's hand.


	5. it's easier to fake the feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you act happy, you'll be happy. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I did it! I finally outlined this because I started school again and I needed to get organized. So we're looking at probably 16 (!!) chapters give or take. 
> 
> Thank you a million times over for reading and telling me your thoughts or how it makes you feel <3<3 
> 
> Without further ado, Madney's not-actually-shocking-to-the-audience-but-totally-shocking-to-the-characters news!

Buck had eight hours before he was supposed to arrive at Chimney’s to help with dinner. From what he had gathered, Maddie and Chimney invited the whole team and company. That was a lot of people to fit into Chimney’s LA apartment but even when Bobby offered to host, Chim was quick to insist on his place. 

The smart thing right now would be for Buck to use most of that time to sleep. He’s dragging his feet as he steps into his apartment and goes straight for the couch. He ends up just dropping onto it, right arm and leg hanging off the side, couch too short so his other leg is bent uncomfortably against the arm. He thinks that he’ll readjust any minute now, keeps telling himself he’ll only regret it if he doesn’t, but his body is too tired even with his mind a scatter of confusing thoughts and feelings.

The whole shift just felt _weird_. He can’t really figure out if what happened between him and Eddie was a fight or not because they both had resumed “acting like everything is normal”. Eddie even offered to pick him up for the dinner as they were headed to their cars. Buck didn’t have a good enough reason to say no and when he said sure, Eddie gave him a little smile that could have meant a lot of things. 

Now he was replaying their conversation from yesterday morning, trying to figure out what Eddie must be thinking. He said he wasn’t upset but that he seemed disappointed. Then he said he was worried about Buck, and Buck doesn’t know which feels worse. Maybe if it hadn’t been right after Maddie had said it too, he could brush it off. He really wishes he could have gotten to the station earlier to hear what the two had said to each other. 

Had it started with Eddie asking Maddie about Buck and she unwittingly gave away his lie? Did they realize together that something was wrong and talk about him for however long she had been there? It didn’t sit well with him that potentially the whole team could have been discussing him without him there. Nothing good ever came of that. 

He could drive himself crazy going over what ifs and wondering what people said about him behind his back. Thankfully, there must have been something out there giving out small mercies because even through all of his loud thinking, he was physically exhausted and his eyes couldn’t stay open. Since he had woken up the morning before he had maybe a collective three hours of sleep in over 24 hours. The mix of laying down and keeping his eyes closed is just enough to actually get him there. 

\--

Buck feels like he’s awake, he really does, but something is wrong about it all. He thinks he stands up from the couch but he doesn’t know what time it is and no matter how much he looks around he doesn’t see a clock. Not on the oven or microwave and he can’t remember where his phone is. He wants to move, to be anywhere else but here, everything just feels so wrong. But he’s too confused on how to do it, how to get out of here. 

There’s a strange banging and it starts to get louder and it sounds like gunshots too close to Buck’s ears. Too close to hitting him. He wants to duck or jump or get away in any possible way but he’s so lost. There’s no one here to save him this time. _Why can’t he move? The man has a gun pointed at him and is yelling at him to get out but he just can’t make himself move._

“Buck!” That’s his name but he doesn’t see anyone, can’t tell where it’s coming from. Can someone please just help him?

Suddenly Buck is awake and he can’t catch his breath. He sits up a little too fast, makes himself dizzy, and tries to get his bearings. He’s startled when the pounding starts up again and that must have been what he was hearing in his dream. He looks at the door like he expects whoever is knocking to just break it down.

Buck leans to put his head between his knees because he can’t answer the door with his heart racing like this. He does this for a minute and the knocking has stopped by the time he’s convinced himself he’s not having a heart attack. He’s not sure if whoever it was is still there but this is insane, he can’t be afraid of someone knocking on his door. He can’t be afraid period. It takes everything in him, but he finally gets up and goes across the space to open the door. 

Eddie is standing a couple feet back with his phone pulled out. When Buck opens the door, his head snap ups and he has that worried furrow between his brows.

“Hey, I was just-” he holds up his phone to indicate that he was about to call. 

Buck feels a surge of a different kind of panic because he still doesn’t know what time it is. “Is it 6 already?” he asks Eddie and turns back into the apartment because he’s still wearing his work shirt and pants and he needs to change. He can’t be late, he promised. 

Eddie follows him in and closes the door, “No, we still have an hour. I texted to let you know I was dropping Christopher off at Pepa’s early. Your place is closer than mine, figured I’d just save myself the drive.” 

Buck feels his shoulders drop now that he knows he isn’t running late. He has to dig around the couch for his phone and sees that Eddie had sent him four text messages. The last being a couple minutes ago asking if Buck was home. 

“Oh, sorry, I was sleeping.” Buck replies, feeling worn out despite having slept. 

“That’s good, I didn’t see you sleep at all during shift.” Eddie comments. He doesn’t sound judgmental necessarily, just kind of like he wants Buck to be aware that it wasn’t normal and that maybe he should think about that. Or something, Buck doesn’t always read Eddie’s subtext accurately. Reading between the lines isn’t his strong suit when he’s stressed.

Buck chooses not to mention that he did get a couple of hours on the couch with Bobby. How when the bell startled him awake, Bobby was still there. How Bobby gave him a pat on the back as he passed Buck and headed for the stairs. Buck remembered what Bobby had said to him and felt a delayed awkwardness at the show of affection. His cheeks had been red when he got down the stairs and into his gear, avoiding eye contact with the team. 

Buck still had his phone up, not really looking at anything in particular while he shook off the sleepiness. He was feeling very unsettled by his—dream? That doesn’t sound like the right word for what he experienced. 

“Buck?” Eddie is standing right next to him now. Buck blinks his eyes a few times to refocus and looks up at him questioningly. “I was asking if you’re hungry?”

“We’re going to eat at Chimney’s,” is Buck’s way of not telling Eddie that he’s feeling too off balance to eat right now. His stomach twisting at even the idea. 

Eddie is considering him for a moment, something he’s been doing more and more lately. Buck is feeling incredibly exposed by the increase in attention Eddie has been giving him. Don’t get him wrong, any attention from Eddie makes Buck light up, but lately the energy around it has been different. He can’t tell if it’s Eddie or himself that’s caused the shift. 

“Okay,” Eddie shrugs and Buck is relieved to not have to go on the defensive about this, he doesn’t have the energy. But now he has an hour to kill with Eddie and he is momentarily forgetting how to behave around his best friend. What did they usually do when they hung out that didn’t revolve around work, eating, or Christopher? They must have managed somehow.

“I’m gonna go change,” because that’s all he can think of to do and is headed for the stairs before Eddie can say anything. 

He shuts his bathroom door just as an added barrier between him and the increasing awkwardness he’s feeling. Buck doesn’t know what’s wrong, he’s never found it hard to start conversation with Eddie, or really anyone for that matter. He needs to get a handle on this.

\--

For an excuse to avoid how he’s feeling for a little longer, he yells down the stairs to Eddie that he’s going to take a shower and that Eddie could make himself at home. 

In the shower he decides two things: 1. He’s going to go to this dinner and be himself and be happy with his friends because that’s what he does and 2. He’s going to act so goddamn normal around Eddie for the rest of forever because he can tell Eddie has taken interest in figuring out what’s going on with him. He can’t have that. 

So, Buck gets dressed in a nice, blue button down and black jeans and does his hair and when he comes down the stairs he plasters on a big smile and actually believes it could be real.

“Sorry man, that took longer than I thought, could not figure out what to wear.” He says as he turns the corner to the living room where Eddie is sitting on the couch.

Eddie looks over at him and Buck waits for any kind of indication from Eddie that he knows what Buck is trying to do. But after a quick look down at Buck’s shoes and back, Eddie offers his own relaxed smile. “No worries, I’ve waited for you to get ready before, I know you have a ‘process’,” he says it so dryly and Buck can definitely work with this.

“Hey, it gets results,” Buck even throws in a wink and grabs his jacket off the back of the chair he left it on. “We gotta go, pretty sure Chimney and his zero cooking skills are going to need all the help he can get.”

Eddie laughs and Buck thinks he can actually do this. If he can smile and joke and focus on his friends long enough, maybe it’ll go from acting to being. 

\--

Eddie and Buck arrive at Chimney’s and are greeted at the door by Maddie and what could only be described as ‘dad rock’ playing from the living room while Chimney can be heard singing in the kitchen. 

“Hey guys!” Maddie pulls Buck in for a hug and smiles at Eddie. “Thanks for coming early to help.”

“I think I say this on behalf of everyone, but there is no way Chimney was going to do anything other than give us food poisoning if we didn’t come.” Buck says, taking off his jacket and accepting the glass of wine Maddie had already poured for him.

“Hey! I don’t need that kind of slander in my own home!” Chimney yells from the kitchen.

“We all remember the shaking beef!” Buck yells back as he heads for Chimney. 

“Should we?” Maddie trails off, question for Eddie as they watch Buck disappear into the kitchen.

Eddie doesn’t even bother to hide how amused he is, “nope, let them figure it out on their own.”

What Buck figures out is that he’s going to kick Chimney out of the kitchen after the third comment about his chopping technique.

“I’m just saying, you’ve got to keep the knife parallel to the onion and use firm strokes,” Chimney is standing right next to Buck at the counter while he preps ingredients for the pasta sauce.

“And I’m just saying,” Buck retorts in barely reserved annoyance, “if you keep hovering and telling me how to cut the stupid onions, I will be telling Maddie why your nickname is Chimney.”

Chimney actually takes a step back but he narrows his eyes, “I’m calling your bluff Buckley, there’s no way Hen or anyone else at the station told _you_ why.”

“Try me,” Buck smirks because Chimney seems to not want to take the chance and turns away to finally put the chicken in the oven like he was supposed to ten minutes ago. 

Buck isn’t actually all that annoyed. Between the good-natured bickering and third glass of wine he’s on, he’s actually feeling pretty good. He can see Maddie and Eddie talking in the living room and it brings on a warmth to see them interacting. He knows they don’t have a lot of reason to hang out on the regular, but they’re two of the most important people in his life and he likes to see them looking so at ease when together on their own. 

Once the chicken is taken care of, Chimney wanders out of the kitchen and ends up getting completely distracted by a knock on the door. This leaves Buck to work alone for a few minutes and he gets the rest of the sauce put together quickly. He wouldn’t say he’s some master chef now, but between observing Bobby and trying out his own stuff more often, he can at least make a decent pasta dish. 

“Wow, smells great in here.” Buck turns around to see Athena walk into the kitchen with a large salad bowl that she sets on the counter. “Never would have thought I’d be seeing Evan Buckley cooking a full course meal.” She comes over to look into the pot and offers Buck a proud smile that he wishes he could burn into his memory forever. 

“I’m helping too,” Chimney says as he comes in with Bobby in tow.

“No, you’re not.” “I hope not.” Buck and Bobby say at the same time. 

Chimney gives them both a look of complete disbelief, “I refuse to take this kind of abuse.”

“Not my fault no one wants to risk a trip to the hospital, Chim.” Buck takes a sip of his wine and watches Chimney go through many levels of incredulity before landing on indignant.

“Maddie,” Chimney begins to whine and turns to find his girlfriend. Buck’s finding it funnier than he should but he’s watched Chimney go through three beers and a glass of wine in the last hour and a tipsy Chimney is a childish Chimney. It’s about the only time Buck can claim maturity over Chimney. 

After he leaves, Buck turns to the new arrivals, “I think Maddie has the wine,” he says to Athena, “and there’s iced tea and I think some of those flavored water things in the fridge,” he says to Bobby.

He watches as Athena and Bobby give each other look, something pointed but Buck doesn’t know what they’re saying to each other. He just finishes off the last bit of his wine and pretends they’re being subtle. 

“I’ll grab you a glass of red,” Bobby says to Athena and gestures to where they can all hear Chimney’s loud opinion on something. 

Buck is left in the kitchen with the food and Athena and he’s trying not to acknowledge the undivided attention she’s giving him. Everything is supposed to be fine from now on, he’s supposed to be fine. But Athena is not one to be detoured by his suddenly keen interest in stirring the sauce and is regarding him with something painfully knowing. 

“How are you doing?” She asks casually but Buck already feels himself tensing. _He’s fine he’s fine he’s-_

“I’m fine,” he replies, already knowing the short answer won’t be enough. Athena hums and reaches over to still his hand from his increasingly aggressive stirring.

“You haven’t been by in a while, I really think you should come for dinner soon.” Buck is refusing to look at her, feels like even with a neutral expression, Athena would be the one to see through it. He’s never been able to lie to her, not successfully at least.

“I’ll try,” he hates how his voice manages to crack on just two words. How is he supposed to pull this off if a simple invite for dinner puts a lump in his throat?

“How about Saturday? May is coming to visit for the weekend and we all know Bobby is going to make too much food for the kids and Michael. Could use your appetite.” She still has a hand on his and he’s having a hard time focusing on just one thing. He wants to tell her that he can’t or that he’s busy or even just the truth that he feels so overwhelmed right now he doesn’t know what to do. The kitchen has been getting progressively hotter and the music from the living room seems too loud and he’s had enough wine without a proper meal that it’s making his blood feel fizzy. 

He looks away from the stove and up at the ceiling before finally looking at her. He will be the first to admit that Athena scares him like no one else. Not because he’s intimidated by strong women but because he wants to impress her and earn her attention so bad. She’s immeasurably kind, dependable to a fault, and so resilient. He would give everything to have her love but he also doesn’t feel like he deserves it. 

Athena meets his stare unflinchingly and he has to force out his, “yah, I’ll be there,” because accepting even the smallest amount of kindness from people is getting more and more difficult every day. 

“Good,” she smiles and gives his hand a pat before letting go. Buck thinks he didn’t take a breath the whole time she was looking at him and he tries not to make it obvious as he draws in air too quickly. He doesn’t know where to go from here, does he say something, should he change the subject? 

He will be forever grateful for the sound of the doorbell that gets them both turning to the front door. Chimney is the one to get up and answer and he’s as enthusiastic as ever when Hen and Karen are on the other side. 

“Sorry we’re late, Nia was not a fan of the idea of being left with a babysitter,” Hen apologizes while giving Chimney a quick hug, a bottle of wine in her hand. 

“What she actually means, is that Hen wasn’t a fan of leaving Nia with a babysitter and wouldn’t put her down,” Karen refutes, looking incredibly amused remembering whatever had happened at home before they left. Athena throws Buck a sly smile that he is barely able to respond to with an eyebrow raise before she walks out to join the group. He watches her go over to her friends and tease Hen about her distrust of the babysitter with their new addition to the family.

“Do you want any help?” Buck is startled by Eddie, hadn’t even noticed him come in. He’s got one of Chimney’s obscure IPAs in hand and is looking laidback, cheeks a little red from having a couple of drinks, Buck feels his breath catch from a different kind of nerves.

He mentally shakes off the butterflies he gets and thinks he can swallow the lingering uneasiness. After all, he had made the promise to himself to be normal again, especially with Eddie.

“You want to help? Cook?” He lays the skepticism on thick and Eddie rolls his eyes but it brings a little half grin to his lips.

“For everyone’s information, I am not that bad at cooking. I am actually an adult capable of taking care of himself and a kid.” Eddie steps up to the counter next to the stove and eyes the remaining ingredients in a way that contradicts his words.

“Hey, I’ve only got statistical evidence and personal experience to go off of here,” Buck puts his hands up in surrender, “if you really want to help you can start the noodles.” He points towards the package on the countertop, “they’re the sticks in that box.”

Eddie shoots him a withering glare, “I know what pasta looks like.” He snatches the box, “not too long ago you weren’t so great at cooking either so I don’t know why you’ve got such a big head over it.”

“I can’t help being a fast learner and naturally gifted at everything,” Buck bats his eyes, the tension slowly leaving his body.

“Your modesty is your defining trait,” Eddie is opening up cupboards and Buck points to the other side of the oven where Chimney keeps his pots.

“Thank you, I’m glad someone else sees that.” Buck grins and yah, that one feels real.

Eddie takes his direction and as he passes through the narrow space behind Buck, he briefly rests a hand on Buck’s lower back. Buck’s heart jumps and it takes everything in him to maintain a composed yet cocky attitude. 

“Don’t forget water,” he says as a final jab and hopefully to distract from how heated his face just got. Eddie scoffs at him and crouches to dig through the cupboard, a small sliver of skin showing as the back of his shirt rides up. Buck quickly turns back to his sauce, feeling giddy from the whiplash of his moods and the wine.

\--

Eddie is shockingly helpful in the kitchen and maybe Buck will start to cut him some slack on the teasing about his culinary skills. He only really does it because Eddie is preternaturally good at most things and cooking is the only glaring fault on his record. Even though they are years past Buck’s one day attempt at making them rivals, he still feels a little competitive at times. But that also might be due to his need to have Eddie notice everything he does. Whatever, he’s not going to analyze that too closely right now.

Together they get the rest of dinner into serving dishes and start to bring it out to the dining room. Buck complains loudly about how this isn’t even his dinner party or apartment and yet he’s somehow doing most of the work. Chimney ignores him in favor of telling Karen and Athena a really wild work story and Maddie gives Buck a thankful look which is kind of enough to get him to stop grumbling.

At some point, Eddie had gotten him another glass of wine and Buck is heading back into a happily tipsy kind of mood. When everything’s set up, everyone wanders to the table and they all fall into their usual team seating with the addition of Maddie, Karen, and Athena. That means Buck is sitting next to Eddie at the end of the table. It’s a tight fit and their arms keep brushing but Buck doesn’t make a move to put space between them and neither does Eddie, so there’s that. 

The conversation is loud and often times there’s two different topics being discussed at the same time. Buck joins in wherever he can and he doesn’t have to think about acting normal or what everyone is thinking about him or feeling sick from eating because this is natural and actually fun and somehow peaceful in the all the ways that it’s actually chaotic. 

They’re mostly all done with eating and Hen and Chimney have been drinking pretty consistently throughout dinner so their usual banter is a mix of off topic tangents and lots of laughing. Buck’s thinking he might start clearing plates when Chimney makes a brash clinking with his fork and wine glass.

“Alright alright, obviously we didn’t just invite everyone here for the company,” Chimney stands up at the head of the table and everyone quiets down, “Maddie and I have some news.” He looks down at Maddie with so much love and affection it’s almost embarrassing to witness it. He seems to prompt her that it’s her turn to say something and Buck is honestly not sure what to expect. He doesn’t know what news they could have that required all the fanfare and formal announcement.

Maddie stands up with Chimney and he puts an arm around her waist and she’s looking back with the same amount of love and they’re smiling so big and bright. After a suspenseful pause they turn to the group.

“We’re pregnant!” Maddie and Chimney say at the same time.

Wait, what?

\--

For a couple of seconds, the room is totally silent.

“Okay, by this lack of stunned faces, who here knew already?” Chimney asks. The room erupts as everyone starts talking over each other and giving Chimney and Maddie proper congratulations.

Buck looks around as everyone laughs and share their thoughts. Hen insists she figured it out days ago and Karen obviously knew through Hen but she says it was further confirmed by Maddie not drinking tonight, which Buck hadn’t even noticed. Nobody questions that Athena had figured it out and honestly, it’s no surprise Bobby had too. They turn to each other and debate who knew first and Bobby actually wins by almost a full week. 

The only one who doesn’t join is Eddie sitting next to him, because he looks over at Buck instead. Eddie doesn’t look very surprised either and just shrugs at Buck. Like maybe he didn’t totally know but now that its been said aloud it clicked and wasn’t that shocking. So Buck is the only one feeling left out of the loop.

Either way, as confused as he momentarily was, he is quickly consumed by this bright bubble building in his chest. _Pregnant?_ His sister is pregnant? As in sometime in the near future there will be a baby. A baby who is going to grow up with two of the best people he knows as parents. A baby who is going to have an uncle so damn devoted to them, Buck could just cry from the intense love he feels for someone he hasn’t even met yet. Oh wait, Buck actually is crying. Like he almost can’t even see through the tears that suddenly appeared and blinking makes it worse and Eddie is still watching him and has scooched closer to take a hold of his shoulder. 

“Congrats, you’re going to be an uncle.” He says, and squeezes Buck’s shoulder and gives him a little shake and Buck can’t help the choked laugh that breaks out of him. He grabs ahold of Eddie’s hand on his shoulder to kind of reel himself back into the moment. 

Buck stands up so quickly the chair scrapes on the floor and the loud conversation quiets for half a second as everyone looks at him, but he’s only looking at Maddie. Eddie’s hand had fallen away from his shoulder as he stood but Buck didn’t let go of it. Even as he makes a beeline for Maddie across the room, he doesn’t let go until the last second. If anyone noticed the lingering touch, Buck doesn’t care.

Maddie clocks his approach immediately and as the person who has known him his whole life, she knows exactly what to expect and opens her arms. Buck pulls her into a hug, mindful of the pressure he puts on her, but can’t help putting everything he’s feeling into it. Her eyes are watery and her smile is so beautiful, like how had anyone ever looked at her and wanted to hurt her? How did she keep having the most beautiful smile after everything she has been through? 

Chimney is standing close, so Buck reaches out to pull him in. Now he’s standing there with his arms wrapped around both Maddie and Chimney and letting out a litany of, “congratulations” and, “I’m so happy for you guys” and, “you’re going to be the best parents”. He is rocking them both and Chimney is laughing and Maddie is letting the tears fall now. Everyone watches the Buckley’s cry with their matching glittering smiles and it’s the happiest Buck has been in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue is so hard. I forget how people actually talk smh


	6. i like the way that you're distracting me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to the good moments, you never know what's going to happen next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, I did not want to take this long on this chapter but my head is everywhere right now. Between school and my own dumb boy I’m trying to figure out, I wrote this chapter out like one paragraph at a time over the span of the week. 
> 
> But here we are, I did it, it’s a pretty mellow chapter. Just got to get everyone nice and comfortable before I ruin some lives.

Buck was prepared this time. He had an idea of what Val expected from him and he knew exactly how to fill the time without having to talk about himself for another week. It was going to be so easy to talk about the news of his sister’s pregnancy and his anticipation for Chris’s surprise tomorrow instead. 

When Val came out to grab him from the waiting room, he stood up before she said his name and offered his best smile. She was as professional as last week, asked him how he was as they walked to her office, and he was surprised with how much he actually was keen on talking to her. Even when he got up this morning he wasn’t as anxious as he thought he would be, he felt pretty calm about the whole thing.

Which was kind of a miracle all on its own because sleeping has been... lacking the last couple of weeks. Not only has falling asleep been harder to achieve, he’s been having really strange dreams. Like he thinks he wakes up in the middle of the night, except his body feels wrong and he can’t get himself to move and sometimes it feels like he’s not the only one there. By morning he’s not sure if he ever woke up at all. Or sometimes he wakes up so suddenly, full of anticipation and he doesn’t remember if he had a dream or not and it’s kind of just sitting at the forefront of his mind but he can’t grasp it. 

But it’s fine, this happened after the truck and the tsunami too. He had dreams, _nightmares_ , for a few weeks and then they started to go away and it was only on rare occasion he woke up with a phantom pain in his leg or his throat burning from salt water. He’ll deal with this just like he has in the past and before he knows it, he’ll be back to sleeping regularly. It hasn’t affected his energy level at work and no one was mentioning his absence from the bunks on the nights he can’t stand just laying there in the dark. He made the resolution to be normal and he’s sticking with it.

A huge part of getting this to work is getting through his meetings with Val without raising any suspicions. This will be easy, no one has ever _over_ estimated how much Buck can talk, especially when he puts his mind to it. He’ll tell her everything about this week and there won’t be any room to talk too deeply about anything else.

He was about to learn a lesson on underestimating Dr. Valerie Lewis.

When they step into her office, Buck sits on the couch like last time but he goes for a relaxed position, keeps up a confident smile. 

“I’m glad you’ve come back, Buck,” Val sits across from him and sets her clipboard on the edge of her desk, providing her full attention. That gives Buck pause, because it feels like she’s going to pay more interest to what he has to say, but he doesn’t let it show.

“Yah, well,” he doesn’t really know what to say. It’s not like he doesn’t want to be here, he knows he has to do this, but he also wishes he could go back to before he was made aware of it. Go back to when he didn’t feel like this. _How far would he actually have to go? The tsunami? The bombing? Further?_

“This is a good thing,” Val says when it doesn’t seem like he’s going to continue, having spaced momentarily.

Buck nods and he’s still got a little smile but he bets it’s not as nonchalant as he wants it to look. “I know,” is all he can think to answer with. They are both quiet for a moment, Val letting Buck gather his thoughts. “Uh, so I actually have something to talk about,” he brightens up again because how could he not, “my sister had some news.”

He launches into the story of the Chimney and Maddie’s dinner, leaving out the weird not-dream he had right before and his not-conversation with Athena in the kitchen. After the initial excitement, they had all moved into the living room and Maddie let them know the specifics, how Chimney and her were feeling, and how their first doctor’s appointment went. 

Buck didn’t really know what a lot of the details meant, but after Eddie dropped him off at his apartment that night, he was up for hours reading about everything.

“Like, did you know that your blood volume increases roughly 50% and because of that your heart also grows bigger?” He has scooched forward to the edge of the couch and he has both hands up in the air, showing the exaggerated growth of an imaginary heart. Val is apparently one of those people that can raise an eye brow very well because one of them went up about ten fun facts ago and hasn’t gone back down. 

Buck cuts himself off and drops his hands, “Oh, duh, yah, you probably knew a lot of this because,” he gestures at her, “I don’t need to explain pregnancies to you.”

Val laughs lightly, “no worries, Buck. I’ve heard a lot of this, but some of it I hadn’t and it’s interesting. Do you do this a lot?” 

“Do what a lot?” Buck isn’t sure what she has made of him in the last half an hour.

“Do you get excited about information on topics that connect to your life?” she asks.

Buck sits back on the couch with a small huff. He has no idea how she’s flipped the narrative on to him just from some rambled information. “Uh, I guess, I like to read and I can remember most of it pretty well. I don’t know about connections, it just makes sense to look stuff up when I’m curious. After that I just keep reading until things make sense or I have to stop.” Buck rubs the back of his neck. This is such a weird thing for him to be considering right now. He’s never thought about it before. If he wanted to know about something, he would start off with a google search and then most of the time he’d have a dozen tabs pulled up by the end. He liked learning about new things and in return, tell whoever was around about them.

The thing he’s already noticed about Val is that she doesn’t interject very often, or really at all. She just lets him talk and even when he pauses, she gives him the time to continue or move on to something else. He doesn’t really know if that’s a therapy thing or if she’s a good listener or what. It does make him feel like he should keep talking though.

“A lot of the time I want a question answered real quick and don’t go down a rabbit hole. But I don’t know, Maddie’s pregnancy is important. She’s probably going to do her own research and have doctors tell her stuff and I just want to stay in the loop. This is going to be her baby.” Every time he really thinks about how there’s going to be a baby at the end of this, he’s overcome with how significant this all is. 

“It’s going to be your niece or nephew, too. It sounds like they’ll be important to your life as well.” Val adds.

“Well, yah, of course, they’re going to be everything to my life. It’ll be my only _real_ family besides Maddie.” He tries or cavalier and misses by a mile. Buck can see how Val keys into his words immediately, knows she’s not going to let him get away with saying that so flippantly. 

“Is family only defined by blood?” Val asks.

Buck has absolutely no idea what to say to that, because until this very second, he had been actively not thinking about what family was to him for a long time. Undoubtedly it would always include Maddie, but that’s not the only person he has put into that context before. He knows he’s quick at getting attached to people while they don’t feel the same.

He thinks about the team, how at times he has considered them family. But then he is also reminded of the times he has been told that they weren’t. He knows that was years ago at this point and everyone has gone through a lot and changed, but he doesn’t really know where he stands now.

“I don’t know. Yes? Or—at least it’s the family that stays with you.” Well that’s just a blatant lie now. He actually laughs at himself, bitter and painful. “Okay, at least the one’s that want to.” Buck is feeling a little hot, a little like he should stop talking now before he says something too telling. Now was not the time he wanted to open up the whole mess that was his departure from Pennsylvania.

Val has no mercy apparently, “and what if others want to stay with you?” 

Buck is—this is—he’s having difficulty with what he’s supposed to say to that. What if others want to stay with him? He’s so torn, too many thoughts warring for his attention. Always, _always_ , in the privacy of his own head he thinks of the 118 as family, or at the very least really close friends like he’s never had before. But then the reality of it all is that he has only known them a few years and he knows what it takes to get them to walk away from him. Knows that he has more years in front of him than behind him and that they could all move on from him at any point. He’ll never know until they’re gone or—he snaps his mouth shut even though he wasn’t talking. 

He’s hitting _too much_ territory, feels the pressure of it on his chest. Why did he let himself get distressed by every little thing? He was getting overwhelmed about the definition of a word. So what if the 118 wasn’t his family? For now, they were his friends and he should be happy to have that.

“It’s different,” he says finally, “the 118, we’re close, we have to be when our lives are in each other’s hands, but it’s different. At the end of the day, they have their own families to go to.”

“There are multiple ways to have families-”

“Can we talk about something else?” He feels bad for cutting Val off and being short, but if he can’t get the topic to change in the next few seconds, he doesn’t know what will happen. He has to close his eyes because he’s feeling dizzy and he can’t take a breath deep enough to satisfy the weight on his lungs.

“Okay.” Val sits back, has the air of complete understanding.

There isn’t an instant relief, but he can open his eyes again. “Thank you. I’m sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize for needing a break. Like I said last week, we will work on this at your pace.” Buck appreciates the patience, but he already knows that his pace is not going to be very fast and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever get there if he’s the only one with the final say. 

“I know I need to talk about all _that_ at some point, I just—I don’t think I can right now.” Buck wrings his hands and hangs his head, drained from even thinking about it all.

“That’s completely fair. This process is all new, you don’t need to feel pressured and I promise you I don’t expect anything other than what you’re willing to share.” Val’s voice is calm and sure. Buck can’t help but be reminded of how Maddie has talked him through so many of his problems in the same tone.

Buck looks back up, tries to relax his shoulders. “Thanks,” he says again. He takes in a deep breath and his lips curl up on their own accord because he has a smile for every emotion, “did I mention what baby names Chimney came up with yet?” He’s backtracking but he isn’t feeling as guilty as he did a few minutes ago. 

\--

It was the beginning of October and still warm in southern California and they expected it to be a really nice day. Buck was excited for a lot of reasons, mostly just to hang around two of his favorite people all day. Buck’s never been to Disneyland, it wasn’t exactly an easy trip from Pennsylvania. Or really even something he thinks his parents would try to do anyways. But he had gone over to the Diaz’s yesterday while Chris was at school to get the run down from Eddie and Carla. 

Carla knew people that helped plan all kinds of trips for kids like Christopher and when Eddie mentioned wanting to do something extra this year, she helped get him connected. The relative closeness of the park to them helped, it would just be a day trip there and back. 

Buck was rolling into Eddie’s drive way with a couple of coffees and a hot chocolate at 9am. He was at a point in frequenting their home that he barely knocked before opening the door and calling out a good morning. Eddie was in the kitchen with a mug in hand but when Buck walked in, he took one look at Buck’s drink tray and set his cup on the counter to grab one of Buck’s instead.

“I think I made jet fuel instead of coffee,” he comments and Buck just snorts. He can’t help staring for a second, Eddie looked really nice, like he always does but there’s just something a little _more_ today. Buck might just be tired and letting his mind run away from him more than usual.

Buck’s been around in the early morning before, knows Eddie has a pretty consistent morning routine he hardly ever strays from. He always looked ready for the day even when everything around him was chaotic. It was something Buck wishes he could learn from Eddie. How he looks so at peace with where his life is at. 

“Buck!” He hears behind him and he sets the other two cups down on the counter before spinning to Christopher with a big grin.

“Hey! Good morning buddy,” he swoops down to give Christopher a big hug.

“What are you doing here?” Chris asks, muffled by Buck’s shoulder.

Buck pulls away to look at him, “I’m gonna hang out with you and your dad today. Is that cool?”

Chris has such a sweet smile and nods his head, “yah! We’re playing hooky from school.” Buck laughs and ruffles Chris’s hair before turning back to grab the hot chocolate he’d gotten for him. 

After that, Eddie asks for some help getting the last of their stuff ready to go and they pile up in Eddie’s truck.

Buck doubts that Chris has guessed his surprise, but Chris also is a smart enough kid to know something is up. But like his dad, he’s incredibly patient about the whole thing and doesn’t ask, just talks to Buck and Eddie about his friends and his classes from the back seat. Eddie keeps looking at the rearview mirror with a constant smile and every once in a while he even looks over to Buck. Buck only knows this because he’s turned himself nearly sideways in his seat to talk to Chris but also keeps finding his eyes on Eddie. If there is one constant in his life lately, it’s knowing that this is exactly what he wants. Even if he’ll never say it out loud. 

Once they’re getting close, there really is no way to completely hide the purpose of their drive. There are various signs, Disney themed store fronts, and obviously the massive shadow of the park itself. Chris has started to notice things out the window and dropped off from his story to stare out. 

Something must really catch his eye because he goes, “Daddy look!” and even though Eddie doesn’t know exactly what Chris points at, he laughs.

Chris whips around to look at his dad’s face in the mirror and then over to Buck, who raises his eyebrows and grins. He can tell Chris knows what’s up, maybe putting a couple of the last pieces together, but the picture is there.

“Are we going to Disneyland?” Chris finally asks and Buck looks over to Eddie because this is his surprise to give.

“Happy Birthday Chris!” Eddie cheers as he pulls into a parking lot. When the car is stopped, Eddie is able to give his full attention to Christopher. Buck unbuckles his seat belt so he can completely turn around while Eddie gets out to open Chris’s door.

Christopher is grinning ear from ear and reaches out for his dad when the door swings open. Eddie is also smiling so wide and Buck can’t help it, he pulls out his phone to catch a photo.

“Can I meet Spider-Man?” Chris asks.

“Of course, you can,” Eddie says, unbuckling Christopher and helping him out. Chris goes on to name every single character he wants to meet and Buck honestly doesn’t even know who half of them are. 

\--

It’s still pretty early, not quite the crowds Buck had heard about yet. They spend a lot of time walking around, getting their bearings. Chris walks with his crutches between Buck and Eddie, taking in everything and pointing at whatever catches his attention. Which are most things. 

When it seems like they’re at a good place to start, Eddie asks Chris where he wants to go first.

Buck had offered to take the camera Eddie brought and proceeded to take pictures every five seconds. He had a mix of Chris with different characters, the boys on various rides, and candids of the boys smiling at each other or whenever one of them looked over at Buck. Occasionally he’d look through the shots and knew he was going to have to ask for copies of a few. 

By the middle of the afternoon Chris was getting tired and Buck swapped Eddie the camera to put Chris on his shoulders because, “Buck is taller, I’ll see more”. Buck didn’t know why he felt so pleased as Eddie also apparently liked to take nonstop pictures and kept raising up the camera at him and Chris. They knew their day was winding down pretty quick, Chris needed a break, so they sat down to eat. Eddie had been completely right when he told Buck the food and gifts would be the real cost, but to have these moments, he’d spend anything.

Chris wanted to walk around again, make sure he didn’t miss anything, so they spent another couple hours there. As it was getting into the late afternoon, Chris was feeling equal parts satisfied and tired enough for them to start heading out. 

\--

They were back in the truck, Buck was pretty sure he was a little sun burnt and would definitely be sore, feeling the weight of carrying an almost ten year old for a lot of the day. But there was absolutely nothing that could get him to complain right now. 

_Is family only defined by blood?_

Buck looks back at Christopher, exhausted from the day and sound asleep, his glasses crooked on his face. Then to Eddie’s profile, focused on driving but looking relaxed as the lights flash by. He glances back at Buck and Buck can’t be bothered to pretend he isn’t staring. 

“What?” Eddie asks with the beginning of a smile.

Buck wants to reach out, to touch, or at the very least say something that means anything, but instead he quietly says, “nothing,” because that’s the word that never actually sounds like it means.

_Nothing_ always sounds a lot like something unspoken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yah, we all know how you invite your best bro to go to Disneyland with you and your son and then proceed to stare wistfully at your bro and son all day while they goof off and obviously have an irreplaceable bond? No? Just Eddie? Interesting, maybe they should look into that.
> 
> Hopefully I will not take this long again but the content is about to get real heavy, can’t wait.


End file.
